- Uncle Fester: [watching François limber up for the duel] He'll enjoy killing Gomez.
- Morticia Addams: But Gomez wouldn't enjoy it.
- Morticia Addams: Cousin Itt, I'm faced with a terrible problem and I know you have a good head on your shoulders. You do have shoulders, don't you?
- Cousin Itt: Fize fiz d'fide fuh dehdu d'foo hahie ehh!
- Morticia Addams: Three?
- Gomez Addams: Tish, Zen Yogi's been taking up entirely too much of my life.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, you're so right. And besides, all this standing on your head is getting rather expensive. None of your hats fit any more.
- Uncle Fester: Now, all in favor of making Morticia and Gomez miserable - for their own good - raise their hands.
- Morticia Addams: Francois, vous est magnifique.
- Dr. Francois Chalon: Please, speak English, it sets my blood afire.
- Grandmama Addams: [to Fester, upon hearing Morticia and Gomez' plans for a South American safari] We just can't let them go off alone. Suppose they explode up the Amazon?
- [Gomez challenges François to a duel; François accepts]
- Uncle Fester: [to Gomez] This is all wrong. You were supposed to sock Morticia.
- Morticia Addams: François, I don't want you to fight. You might get killed.
- Dr. Francis Chalon: Do not worry. In three strokes you are a widow.
- Uncle Fester: [reading a magazine article] This fella says that "married couples who seem ideally mated and perfectly attuned are really miserable, emotional messes underneath."
- Morticia Addams: [continuing to gaze lovingly into Gomez's eyes] The poor things.
- Uncle Fester: [spotting Gomez' spear piercing a pipe] Ah-ha! You had a fight. Congratulations!
- Morticia Addams: Nonsense, Uncle Fester. We've never been happier.
- Uncle Fester: [with deepest sympathies] You poor, misguided soul.
- Uncle Fester: How can I have soothed nerves when tragedy is about to strike someone very near and dear to us.
- Grandmama Addams: The octopus?
- Lurch: The moose?
- Uncle Fester: Morticia and Gomez.
- [the president of the Zen Yogi Society phones to remind Gomez of his dues, giving Uncle Fester an idea]
- Uncle Fester: There aren't going to be any dues. Not this month or any month from now on. Mrs. Addams talked her husband into quittin' your phony society. She says zen yogi is a fake! Yeah, she put 'im wise to you, Quack!
- [Fester hangs up]
- Grandmama Addams: Gomez will have a fit. He loves zen yogi.
- Uncle Fester: Heh, exactly! And if he doesn't give Morticia a whack or two, how else is he gonna prove his undying love?
- Dr. Francis Chalon: If you don't mind my saying so, I've made women forget their husbands in one day.
- Morticia Addams: Please, I love Gomez.
- Dr. Francis Chalon: Who's Gomez?
- Morticia Addams: My husband.
- Dr. Francis Chalon: You see? I've forgotten him already.
- Uncle Fester: I dreamed that you killed Chalon and the police came and took you away. And, Gomez - you're my favorite nephew - I just couldn't bear it. Please, you gotta call off that duel.
- Gomez Addams: Don't be absurd. If the police come, I'll face them - with shoulders back, head high - and say, "It was an accident."
- Dr. Francis Chalon: Cowards only talk bravely.
- Uncle Fester: Oh, that's true, but Gomez has other good qualities.