- Bill Korn: What if you could have a million dollars a year for the rest of your life, but from now on your eyes had to be on your butt? Would you do it?
- Seargent William Jasper: If you could have an ox cart full of silver and enough silk clothing and three-cornered hats to last you a lifetime, but you had to clean the stables every day with your tongue, would you do it?
- Big Pete Wrigley: [narrating] In case you were wondering, by the time you're fourteen years old, you'll have eaten over 15,000 meals, and when you look back at all the best meals you have ever eaten, I'll bet my big toe not one of them started with a tray.
- Big Pete Wrigley: [narrating] The next two words that came spilling out of my mouth might be the two scariest words a kid can ever utter.
- Big Pete Wrigley: WHAT test?
- Big Pete Wrigley: [narrating] Just the thought of LOOKING at Beardsley's legs was enough to make anyone's gut juice curdle. That's because they're covered with big varicose veins. And if you look at 'em up close, you'll see that the veins on her legs look just like a road map of central Iowa. On the news one day, I heard about a new highway they'd just built through Iowa. The next day, Beardsley had a new vein in just the right place.
- Big Pete Wrigley: [narrating] Just for the record, you should know that meatloaf goes by several other names: pepper steak, swiss steak, cube steak, and salisbury steak. That's what the cafeteria ladies call "variety."
- Teddy Forzman: What weight you gonna wrestle at, Dan?
- Dan: I might go for 118 but there's less competition at 210.
- Little Pete Wrigley: [annoyed at a pompous dodge-ball coach bragging about his favored team, Pete asks his buddy] Is this guy pickin' your scabs the way he's pickin' my scabs?
- Big Pete Wrigley: [narrating, while eating stick bars of chocolate cream, leaving chocolate all over his mouth] Ok, so maybe I was wrong.