- [first lines]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [tied to a stake, surrounded by a bundle of sticks] Good evening. Television fans can be so demonstrative and unpredictable. At the time this happened, I was under the impression I was being put on a pedestal. My wife's not going to like this. She's always telling me not to leave my ashes on the floor.
- [takes out a cigarette, lights it, throws the match onto the sticks]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Tonight, we present a very warm little story called "Kill with Kindness."
- [as smoke rises]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Reception seems to be rather bad tonight. Is your screen clouding up? Mine is. I think we better run a test film first. If you have no difficulty in seeing it, we will show you our story.
- [last lines]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [steps away from the stake] I thought I'd better get out of there. I just remembered that my tumbrel is double parked. I shall return next week at the same time to bring you another story and to relate the further adventures of Alfred Hitchcock. Good night.
- Fitzhugh Oldham: Well, somebody had to do it. See, Mr. Jorgy was overcome with smoke and my sister... Well, you know how women are in an emergency. Poor Katherine, she always loses her head.