- [first lines]
- Alfred Hitchcock: [holding a voodoo doll and a hypodermic needle] Oh, oh, good evening. I was just about to send greetings to an old friend. I'm sure modern, civilized methods of homicide are much more efficient, but I don't care for them. I abhor violence. That is why on this program, we use stabbings, shootings, and garrotings only when they are absolutely essential to the plot, or when the whim strikes us. Tonight's play begins in a museum. And the title is "The Cheney Vase." That's all I intend to tell you. You'll have to figure the rest out for yourselves. And now our sponsor wishes to say a few words designed to send you rushing out immediately to buy his products. But please endeavor to restrain yourselves. I don't want you to miss our story.
- Martha Cheney: I wouldn't do that, Mr. Endicott. That one might be the original. And I wouldn't try to make me tell you which one it is. I'm a poor, deluded old woman. Probably mad, you know. I wouldn't be able to tell one from the other. You know, they're really rather good, those copies. I'd probably be able to sell them... for a great deal of money.
- [last lines]
- Alfred Hitchcock: And so another American primitive was born. Thinking our audience might be interested in obtaining a memento of tonight's story, we asked, uh, Grandma Cheney to whip up a few thousand more vases. And we're prepared to make an amazing offer on a strictly first-come-first-serve basis. Listen closely. This will not be repeated. If you wish one of these lovely vases, just send us your name and address together with $45,000 in cash. Please do not send stamps or coins. And now our sponsor wishes to tell you of an equally amazing opportunity for your benefit. After which I'll be back.
- [commercial break]
- Alfred Hitchcock: My, they did go fast, didn't they? Next week, we shall return...
- [accidentally knocks over the one vase that's left]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Please don't be alarmed.
- [he picks up the vase, which is unharmed]
- Alfred Hitchcock: Plastic. Next week we shall return with another story. Good night.
- Lyle Endicott: Mr. Koether, the work I did here as your assistant could have been done by a reasonably intelligent child. Leaving won't be exactly a hardship. However, you're rather conveniently forgetting my severance pay.
- Herbert Koether: If you want to make an issue of the money, Lyle, I'll be glad to take it up with the Board. I'm prepared to go completely into your record during the three months you've been here. Your inability to arrive even approximately on time. The four days off last month, with no reason whatsoever.
- Lyle Endicott: It was spring, Mr. Koether. Though I doubt whether you were aware of that.
- Herbert Koether: I want you out of this building by three o'clock.
- Herbert Koether: I don't intend to discuss it any further. I want you to leave the museum this afternoon.