- Andy Taylor: Anything happen is school today?
- Opie Taylor: Johnny Paul dropped his bacon and tomato sandwich on the playground.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, what a shame.
- Opie Taylor: You should've seen it after it got stepped on a few times.
- Andy Taylor: Stepped on? Didn't anybody see it lyin' there?
- Opie Taylor: We all did. We took turns jumpin' on it.
- Clara Edwards: Now that's the sword that my great grandfather, Colonel Edwards carried all through the battle.
- Opie Taylor: What did he do in the battle?
- Clara Edwards: Hasn't anyone told you? He was the commanding officer. And when the other settlers, crazed with hunger and thirst wanted to give up, he led them in a stirring charge that broke the spirit of the indians and brought the final victory.
- Opie Taylor: Wow!
- Clara Edwards: Waving his sword in the air, he yelled at his men, "Onward boys! Do you want to live forever?".
- Andy Taylor: [reading from a newspaper article from May 18, 1762] "Dear readers, there was no Battle of Mayberry. The only casualties were one scrawny cow, three deer, and a mule who had the misfortune to look like a deer."
- Floyd Lawson: Well Opie, it was my ancestor, Colonel Caleb Lawson who was in at the very beginning, Ol' Stonewall Lawson. He was the big hero.
- Goober Pyle: What?
- Floyd Lawson: That's right. Those are the facts.
- Goober Pyle: Well it just so happens one of my kinfolk is the hero. Colonel Goober Pyle of the North Carolina 7th cavalry. I never even heard of Colonel Lawson.
- Floyd Lawson: Never heard of him? Read your history, boy. Why he had the biggest herd of cattle in the settlement. The indians drivin' the herd off started the whole thing.
- Opie Taylor: Gee, I didn't know that.
- Goober Pyle: I ain't surprised. Nobody knows that except for Floyd.
- Floyd Lawson: You lookin' for trouble?
- Goober Pyle: Before you write all that down, Ope, it happened to be my ancestor who come roarin' outta the stockade and held them bloodthirsty savages off.
- Floyd Lawson: Opie, you ain't puttin' all that bushwa down?
- Goober Pyle: Don't you call my relatives bushwa!
- Floyd Lawson: All I want is this boy to get the truth.
- Goober Pyle: Then he come to the wrong place.
- Andy Taylor: [reading from the newspaper article] "Taunts and insults filled the air, but no bullets or arrows."
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Well how did all these stories get started?
- Clara Edwards: That's here too. "Both sides realized that the true story of the battle would be a sorry tale to tell their womenfolk, so the story of the bloody Battle of Mayberry was conceived and born after the last shot had been fired."
- Goober Pyle: [reading Opie's essay] Ohhhh.
- Andy Taylor: You took the words right outta my mouth.
- Purvis: No battle.
- Andy Taylor: No heroes neither.
- Purvis: No arrows, no Colonels.
- Opie Taylor: Even the kids were kind of upset with me. Most of 'em had Colonels in their families too.
- Tom Strongbow: That's right Opie, it was my revered ancestor, Chief Strongbow that led the Cherokee in the defense of their traditional hunting grounds.
- Opie Taylor: Chief Strongbow, gee, was he wounded?
- Tom Strongbow: Oh yeah, many times. Matter of fact, look at this. This is just one of the musket balls that the medicine man took out of him after the battle.
- Opie Taylor: Gee, that was a pretty tough battle I guess.
- Tom Strongbow: It was for the indians. It was 50 braves against 500 settlers.
- Andy Taylor: Tuckahoosie creek? We're talkin' about the Battle of Mayberry, Tom.
- Tom Strongbow: That's what the settlers called it, but to us indians, it's still the victory of Tuckahoosie creek.
- Andy Taylor: Victory?
- Tom Strongbow: Yeah, that's right. Us indians forced them settlers and their cattle off our hunting grounds.
- Andy Taylor: Aw, come on, Tom.
- Tom Strongbow: Well it did.
- Andy Taylor: The settlers won that battle.
- Tom Strongbow: Opie, I hope you mention Chief Strongbow in your paper. After all, he was the real hero of the battle.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, everybody's taken so much pride in the part their families played in the battle.
- Clara Edwards: There's not too much pride in 50 settlers and 50 indians sittin' around gettin' gassed.
- Andy Taylor: [reading from the newspaper article] "The whole fiasco began with the death of Bessie Lawson."
- Aunt Bee Taylor: There, you see, Floyd's great grandmother.
- Andy Taylor: "Bessie was their mean ol' cow that an indian shot by accident."
- Andy Taylor: [reading from the newspaper article] "Then out from the stockade stepped Lieutenant Edwards."
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Lieutenant Edwards, Clara's ancestor, the Colonel.
- Andy Taylor: "He approached the indians on a wavering course holding a fearsome weapon in his hand."
- Aunt Bee Taylor: The sword!
- Andy Taylor: "A jug of Mayberry's finest corn liquor. One drink led to another and when they were all happy and friendly, they went into the woods to shoot some deer to pay Lawson for ol' Bessie."
- Governor: [from the Governor's radio broadcast] There's a lesson to be learned from the true story of the Battle of Mayberry. And that is that things can very often be settled peacefully. You all have every right to be proud of your town and it's wise founders.