- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: People gotta learn they can't play fast and loose with the law.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You do what you have to do. You take the consequences of your actions.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's like you and me against the world.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Those are frightening odds, Wojo.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?
- Murray Grossman: Here, it's called lox.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: The hell it is. We had it before you did.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, Wojo, what're we gonna do about lunch from now on?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, we do what we have to do, and then we take the consequences for our actions.
- Murray Grossman: Who gets the pastrami with mayonnaise?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I do.
- Murray Grossman: Figures. Who gets the corned beef with ketchup?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Here.
- Murray Grossman: You should know better.
- Murray Grossman: [Murray's deli is reopening] I think you should also know that all prices have been raised a minimum of 83%.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There goes night racing.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [noticing his sandwich] Look what I found. There's a dead fly in my sandwich. Right in the middle of my egg salad.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You sure it's a fly?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It's a little piece of olive.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Since when do olives have wings?
- Det. Phil Fish: When they die and go to heaven.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: You know what I hate?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Prunes?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I hate people that got no respect for the property and rights of other people! That's what I hate.
- Murray Grossman: Nothing from the man of La Mancha?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No thanks. I lost my appetite, along with an FM radio, my wristwatch, and a sterling silver picture of my mother on the mantelpiece.
- Murray Grossman: Why would you take a picture of your mother on the mantelpiece?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [with emphasis] Not a picture of my mother on the mantelpiece; a picture of my mother. On the mantelpiece.