- Captain Barney Miller: [Barney is trying to convince Fish that he's not too old to be a cop anymore] Fish, I think of you as experienced. In an emergency you would be the first one I would call.
- Fish: You should call me first... I need time to put my teeth in.
- Captain Barney Miller: [a bomb has blown up in the squad room] It was in the safe?
- Fish: Yeah, I put it there.
- Captain Barney Miller: You know there was petty cash in there? Forty bucks.
- Fish: Take it out of my check.
- Captain Barney Miller: [Barney and Wojo are using the phone at the same time while standing right next to each other. Barney was put on hold] Come on! Come on!
- Wojo: Hello?
- Captain Barney Miller: Hello, Bomb Disposal?
- Wojo: No, it's Wojciehowitz.
- Captain Barney Miller: Get off the line. I'm trying to get Bomb Disposal.
- Wojo: Who's this?
- Captain Barney Miller: Barney!
- Wojo: Oh, hey, Barn, whattya need?
- Captain Barney Miller: GET OFF THE LINE!
- Captain Barney Miller: Marty, you keep ripping people off, they're going to put you away for a long time. Now, why don't you cut it out and get an honest job?
- Marty: Oh, don't give me that. I've had more jobs than you have hair on your head. I even tried to get on the police force.
- Captain Barney Miller: They turned you down?
- Marty: Of course they turned me down. It's ridiculous. What's wrong with a gay cop? There are gay robbers.
- Detective Wilson: [seeing a case, in which the explosive is contained] Hey, who belongs to this case?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It ain't mine.
- Wojo: Fish, maybe.
- Detective Wilson: Oh, yeah, it must be Fish's. It's too classy for you guys.
- [Wojo gives Wilson a Bronx cheer]
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put.
- Detective Wilson: Your a little out of shape, baby
- Fish: "Baby," your Aunt Jemima. What am I ? -- a Lion Hunter ? My people are all in the restaurant business.
- Marty: So... Ruffian, what did you do ?
- Hold-Up Man: I held up a candy store.
- Marty: I have candy back at my place
- Hold-Up Man: Hey! I don't want to be here with this guy. You better stay away from me or I'm gonna break your face !
- Marty: I want this man removed immediately, he's a paranoid and ugly
- Wojo: Both of you guys clamp down
- Captain Barney Miller: I don't know. This whole bomb thing has me uneasy
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know what it is Barney. It's an animal instinct, that comes from years of experience on the job, a sort of awareness, you know ? You can't buy it, you got it.
- Arnold Ripner: [to Wilson, disguised as a woman] Hello, Wilson. Going home early?
- Detective Wilson: Don't get fresh, or mama's gonna scab your lip.
- Captain Barney Miller: 12th Precinct... Captain Miller speaking... Oh, yes Commissioner... Yes, sir. 5'o'clock again... . Well, we should have something on it in, uh, give me about a week... Could be a couple of days... Tomorrow, is definitely a possibility... How about holding the phone for a couple of minutes ?... Oh,yes, you got to have a sense of humor in a job like this... Yes, sir, I definitely can keep it to myself... . Yes, sir... .Yes, sir... .Yes,sir...
- Fish: Wilson, the bomb is in the briefcase.
- Detective Wilson: Holy mama!
- Marty: Oh God. Is it a big bomb?
- Detective Wilson: How the Hell do I know?