- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?
- Capt. Barney Miller: He reports it to his superior officer.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I lost my badge.
- Det. Phil Fish: [complaining about no elevator in the building] I musta been a breech baby. My feet are older than I am.
- Det. Phil Fish: [talking about Kelly] He was probably snooping around into our personnel files and came up with something really big.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Like what?
- Det. Phil Fish: Like the fact that I cheated on my income tax.
- Capt. Barney Miller: When was that?
- Det. Phil Fish: About nine, ten years ago. I went to a police convention in San Francisco, and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: There's nothing illegal about that.
- Det. Phil Fish: Yes, there is. I didn't take Bernice.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Did the I.R.S. find out about it?
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, they disallowed it and they took it out the next year.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, if you're straight with the government, Kelly can't hurt you.
- Det. Phil Fish: I'm not worried about Kelly, I'm worried about Bernice.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: If you were going to make obscene phone calls, would you make them from one location or from a variety of locations?
- Det. Phil Fish: I'd rather have someone else make them for me.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [referring to Kelly] He's probably after me. Kelly's always had a thing about Orientals being on the police force. He says we screw up the look of the St. Patrick's Day Parade.
- Inspector Kelly: Boney diaz, Chay-no.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Jose Feliciano!
- Inspector Kelly: Pretty good, thanks.
- Inspector Kelly: Hey, Wojo! I got a great new Polack joke for you.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Wonderful.
- [covers his ears]
- Inspector Kelly: You heard.
- [Wojo nods]
- Capt. Barney Miller: [to Kelly] How do you like narcotics?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They haven't helped him a bit.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Kelly's been promoted. Yeah, he's a snooper now.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Internal affairs?
- [Kelly nods]
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth or is he really going to try to make trouble?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I think Kelly is just a big mouth who is really going to try to make trouble.
- Det. Phil Fish: [Fish had to walk up the stairs to the precinct] Ten years ago, I said, "Put an elevator in this building." Five years ago, I said it again. Last year, I even offered to pay for it.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What are you doing downtown, Kelly? I thought you was in narcotics.
- Inspector Kelly: Oh, I'm too sensitive for that kind of filthy work. I'm in Internal Affairs now.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh, you're a spy?
- Inspector Kelly: Yeah, some people might look at it that way. Them that's got something to hide anyhow.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I think Kelly's on to something international. He's after me.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What did you do?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Me? I didn't do anything, but my brother-in-law is New York illegally from Argentina.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Where is he?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He's hiding in the cellar of a condemned rat-infested building on the West Side. Right across the street.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, you better do something about it before Immigration finds out.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, well, I told him, "Hey, you gotta go back to South America, get a visa, then come back to the United States, to New York, take the test, and then become a citizen of the United States."
- Capt. Barney Miller: What did he say to that?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: He don't think it's worth it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yemana, you chase a suspect into a residence, you have no warrant for search and entry, but you know evidence is about to be destroyed inside. Do you hold off or do you go in and make an arrest and take a chance of violating a suspect's rights ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: What are you looking at ?
- Elizabeth Miller: I'm thinking you don't discuss police business, the way you don't drink
- Capt. Barney Miller: A man has to drink and talk with someone
- Capt. Barney Miller: You never forget that your the wife of a police man, your not suppose to be obligated to anyone .
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Fish, Fish, listen -- In the event a prisoner is being extradited from the county of one state to the county of another state and such extradition papers have been presented to the police officer in charge of the extradition. When the prisoner is delivered in the county of the second state , signed for and released by the receiving police officer, is it necessary for the extraditing police officer to file in the county of the first state, copies of the extradition paper that have been given to the police officer in the county of the second state ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Good Morning
- Capt. Barney Miller: Kelly is after someone in a position of authority, looking for someone who has been doing a little chiseling under the table. Somebody whose wife has been doing a little chiseling under the table
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: If Kelly is after my badge, I'd rather turn it in than put the arm on me. So, I'm going down to Internal Affairs
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right Gentleman, we have all purged our souls, life goes on : Yemana - that's a police phone not a racing wire, and Chano - see if you can convince your brother-in-law that there is still some hope for us, ah, Wojo - when you take that Sergeants exam, wear a clean shirt, Fish -...
- Det. Phil Fish: Don't waste a warning on me
- Inspector Kelly: It's my pay-off for devotion to the department. Hey I followed those investigations, Barney, like I told you, right to the top, right into the inner sanctum -- the Commissioner's Office. There is was -- nepotism, favoritism, rake-offs on meat and I thought, sure I was in-line for a gold badge. What they give me -- a blue suit. Right here -- right back at the old 1-2.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Go fry a noodle.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's beneath you.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's always me that's doing something wrong: "What'd you say this for, Wojo?" "That's out of line, Wojo."
- Det. Phil Fish: Nobody says that about you, Wojo.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How come Fish had to climb up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?
- Det. Phil Fish: That was out of line.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: See? It's always somebody beefing about something I done! I wish I was back out on the streets in uniform again.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: If you're worried about dirty marks on your laundry, maybe Kelly can accommodate you.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Look at this exacta at Aqueduct: 800 bucks.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why do they make everything so damn difficult?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Number 3 and Number 4, and I always bet my age.
- Det. Phil Fish: You're not 34!
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I was when I won my last exacta.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yemana, why don't you put that damn thing away?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What did I do?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All you ever do is bet on the horses... or a football game, or a basketball game, or some crap game.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You left out jai alai.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Very funny. If you tried busting bookies, instead of calling them on the telephone all the time, maybe we wouldn't have a yardbird like Kelly sneaking up our keisters all the time.