Barney Miller (TV Series)
Ramon (1975)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Photos
Quotes
-
Barney Miller : [just as he walks in the precinct door, a gun is pointed at his face] Boy, do I hate to start a day like this.
-
Barney Miller : How was school today?
Davey Miller : I didn't get robbed.
-
Ramon Santos : This guy Mankowitz - he's not a Puerto Rican.
Barney Miller : ...He's Jewish. It's practically the same thing.
-
Elizabeth Miller : You really love it, don't you? You say "shootings and bombings" - your eyes light up.
Barney Miller : Would it make you happier if I didn't like my work?
Elizabeth Miller : It would make me happy if you liked me better. I don't think you like me better.
Barney Miller : That is ridiculous.
Elizabeth Miller : You remember the day you got your gold badge? How excited you were? Do you know what that means to a wife, to know that her husband is more excited by his badge than her body?
Barney Miller : That's nonsense. I was every bit as excited by your body as my badge. More, probably.
Elizabeth Miller : Sometimes your sense of humor really annoys me.
Barney Miller : Goodbye, love - I have criminals waiting. I'll take you to the country this weekend.
Elizabeth Miller : No - today, please. Humor me? I've humored you.
Barney Miller : When?
Elizabeth Miller : That night, on the other side of the George Washington Bridge - in the back seat of the Studebaker.
Barney Miller : You promised you would never throw that up to me.
Elizabeth Miller : Don't be silly - I throw it up to you every chance I can get.
Barney Miller : I know.
Barney Miller : I just thought this was another good opportunity.
Barney Miller : Liz - I've had a wonderful time, but I really have to go.
Elizabeth Miller : That's what you said that night in the Studebaker.
-
Elizabeth Miller : I have a "something's rotten in Denmark" feeling... Would you consider not going to work today, and taking me for a drive in the country?
Barney Miller : Liz, you heard the radio - shootings, bombings; it's my busy season.
-
Stanley Mankowitz : Hi, Rachel.
Rachel Miller : Hi.
Barney Miller : Hello, Stanley. Can I fix you a drink?
Stanley Mankowitz : Uh - no, thank you, Captain Miller. Good evening, Mrs. Miller.
Elizabeth Miller : Hi, Stanley.
Stanley Mankowitz : Actually, I'm here tonight for two reasons. First, to take a certain young beautiful girl out to dinner - and second, to present a bottle of wine to the hero, as a tribute and a thank you.
Elizabeth Miller : [as Barney turns, too late to cut off Stanley] Hero? What hero?
Barney Miller : You shouldn't have done it, Stanley.
Elizabeth Miller : What hero, Stanley?
Stanley Mankowitz : Didn't he tell you?
Elizabeth Miller : No.
Stanley Mankowitz : Well, this morning, uh, some crazy kid strung out on drugs comes into the police station, and takes a gun away from one of the police officers and threatens to kill everyone in the place unless they let him go free - and Captain Barney Miller not only talks him out of it, but refers him to me as a client!
Elizabeth Miller : Well! Isn't that swell, Stanley ?
Rachel Miller : How could a thing like that happen?
Elizabeth Miller : Happens all the time on a perfectly normal day.
Barney Miller : What is everyone making a big deal about?
Rachel Miller : Big Deal? Dad, you could have been killed!
Barney Miller : Stanley's overdramatizing everything. He comes in with this wild story about some crazy kid comes into the police station, steals a policeman's gun, threaten to shoot everyone in the place unless we let him out.
Rachel Miller : Isn't that what happened?
Barney Miller : Of course not!
Rachel Miller : Then what happened?
Barney Miller : Some crazy kid came into the police station, stole a policeman's gun... threatens to shoot everyone in the place... unless we let him go.
Elizabeth Miller : What the hell? A miss is as good as a mile, I always said.
-
Barney Miller : What's the weather look like outside?
Elizabeth Miller : It's brown today.
Barney Miller : Is it raining?
Elizabeth Miller : Something's coming down, but I don't think it's water. It's a new plague. Isn't it pretty?
Barney Miller : A little brown rain is normal for New York at this time of year. If it gets a little colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.
-
Barney Miller : David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house - how come you always play with the gun?
Davey Miller : You play with a gun.
Barney Miller : That's my job.
Davey Miller : Freddy's dad doesn't play with a gun.
Barney Miller : His dad's a janitor, he plays with a mop.
-
Elizabeth Miller : I don't think you should go to work today.
Barney Miller : Ah, a little brown in the air never bothered me yet.
Elizabeth Miller : ...I think you should resign from the police force today. I think you should go to Montana, and buy a chicken farm today.
Barney Miller : I don't like chickens.
Elizabeth Miller : You don't know chickens. You've only seen them frozen, with pimples - and wrapped in plastic. You've never seen them cute and lively, with their fur on.
Barney Miller : Fur?
Elizabeth Miller : You'd be crazy about Montana.
Barney Miller : You really hate it, I'm a cop.
Elizabeth Miller : Yes.
Elizabeth Miller : Don't beat around the bush.
Elizabeth Miller : Are you aware of the fact that somebody tried to break in here last night?
Barney Miller : How do you know?
Elizabeth Miller : Because there's a clean spot on the window.
Barney Miller : They must not have wanted to get in very badly. If they really wanted to break in, the bars on that window wouldn't have stopped them.
Elizabeth Miller : Then what did we put them up for?
Barney Miller : Don't you remember? I made a promise when we got married. I said I would do everything I could to make you happy. You wanted bars? I gave you bars.
Elizabeth Miller : I'm very grateful. I love my bars.
Barney Miller : Are you aware that statistics show that there is more crime in the streets than in the home?
Elizabeth Miller : There's more room in the streets.