- Det. Ron Harris: [talking on the phone] Hey, Engine Room, what's the matter with you guys? Turn the heat down! The humidity's murder up here! We can't even get the stamps to stick to the envelopes.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Wish I could say the same for my shorts.
- Det. Ron Harris: [mocking Yemana's voice] Very well put.
- [Farber has tried to commit suicide in the bathroom]
- Capt. Barney Miller: [to Chano] Taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation, not a social function!
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I didn't think he could hurt himself in the toilet.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look up your statistics! Toilets are very high up in the statistics!
- Det. Ron Harris: [talking on the phone] Hey, Engine Room? Hey, what's the matter with you guys? It's 26 degrees up here. Hey, I wasn't meant for this type of weather, baby.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Tell him my blood is turning to slush.
- Det. Ron Harris: [on the phone] Hey, don't give me "energy crisis," man! How would you like it if we quit and left your loved ones unprotected?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put.
- Det. Ron Harris: [on the phone] Hey, baby, it is cold up here.
- [another phone rings and Yemana answers it]
- Det. Ron Harris: [on the first phone] Yeah, well, if we don't get some heat up here, we're gonna start breaking up the furniture and burning it.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.
- Det. Phil Fish: It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold, people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No kidding!
- Det. Phil Fish: Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.
- Capt. Barney Miller: [to Fish] What about the night shift? Are they going to make it?
- Det. Phil Fish: I don't think so. The guys who live on Long Island can't get to Manhattan.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, that means the guys who live in Manhattan can't get to Long Island.
- Det. Phil Fish: Right.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why don't we call Long Island and have them keep the guys who can't get to Manhattan, and we'll keep the guys who can't get to Long Island.
- Det. Phil Fish: [shakes his head] They tried it once and they didn't like it. It made too much sense.
- [Wojo is putting the store payroll in the safe]
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [looking at safe] What's the combination on this thing? I forgot it again.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: One to the left, two to the right, three to the left, four to the right.
- Det. Phil Fish: That's the way to do the Varsity Drag.
- [the squad has brought in a stick-up man]
- Stick-Up Man: Hey, it's freezing in here!
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ever since we washed the furnace, we can't do a thing with it.
- Lyle W. Farber: I apologize.
- Det. Phil Fish: That's okay.
- Lyle W. Farber: I apologize to the entire world.
- Det. Phil Fish: On behalf of the entire world, I accept your apology.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [after Wojo objects to drinking Nick's coffee] What's the matter with my coffee?
- Det. Phil Fish: Put it over there on the desk
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barney, wait till you see what we got here. Siegel's Department store hasn't been able to make a deposit for a week, so they asked us to keep their receipts -- keep till morning. I said okay. Is it okay ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojciehowicz, we're working on a half-shift. We can't baby-sit somebody's payroll
- Det. Phil Fish: An employee told us that they secretly heard they we're being set-up for a rip-off. They'd like to avoid trouble.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I have never seen so much money in my life. Take a look.
- Capt. Barney Miller: How much is in there ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Two hundred sixteen thousand four hundred and eighty odd dollars
- Capt. Barney Miller: Eighty odd. Aren't you sure ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, when your loaded. What's a few bucks more or less ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That is more. Less is what I take home every week
- Capt. Barney Miller: Somebody put it in the safe ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I got it. I signed for it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right. Then, It's your responsibility but get at it. We got a lot of work to do.
- Lyle W. Farber: Excuse me, may I show you something ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I rather you didn't if you don't mind... There was a time when you wanted someone to notice you, all you had to show them was a little courtesy
- Det. Phil Fish: Hey, Barney this is marvelous. Deputy Inspector
- Capt. Barney Miller: There is a slim chance of anything like that happening. But, it is a kind of a kick to see in a official publication
- Det. Phil Fish: Deputy Inspector. I know guys who have been on the force 30 or 40 years and never even been considered for a job like this. Take me for instance. I'm proud. I am going to put it on the bulletin board.
- Capt. Barney Miller: No. No. Don't say anything. Don't tell anyone. It would be causing a lot of excitement over nothing. I haven't even told Liz.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish, there are five precinct captains who got more time in on the force than I do
- Det. Phil Fish: We are all going to miss you
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's Cook, Leeds, Stevenson, Rourke and Burns
- Det. Phil Fish: And Carmichael
- Capt. Barney Miller: You know what politics and seniority means in an appointment like this.
- Det. Phil Fish: I got a feeling your going to make it,
- Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, don't be ridiculous. Carmichael... Whose Carmichael
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, you counted it, what's the problem.
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: There's exactly $5000 missing
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: $5000, that's impossible
- Capt. Barney Miller: Maybe you ought to count it again
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: I've counted it three times. That right, Pete ?
- Pete: That's correct. I've counted it too. It's a bundle short.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish. Count it. Harris, you watch Fish
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: Pete, you watch Harris
- Capt. Barney Miller: There was a lot of excitement last night. The money could have been misplaced or gotten buried under this official litter
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: Have you ever misplaced $5000 before ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Once, in a Monopoly game.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barney, There is nothing in the safe but petty cash
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: Oh
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: $16
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's for two weeks
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, you were standing right there, when I was putting it in the safe
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, you wouldn't let me help you, remember. You said it was all yours
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: You said that ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Figure of speech, Mr Gross. Detective Wojciehowicz probably felt personally responsible for the money.
- Gross - Accountant from Siegel's: He is personally responsible for the money
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You here that Harris !
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, don't look at me. If I needed extra money, I'd do windows.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's going on here, you'd think in this kind of weather, business would be slow.
- Det. Ron Harris: The armored car drivers and the guards are still on strike. Money is piling up faster in the stores than garbage on the streets
- Capt. Barney Miller: Burglaries, armed robberies, aggravated assaults
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, and every dude with a gun, or a knife, or a pointed stick is out there trying to seek his fortune
- Capt. Barney Miller: Civilization, huh ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah !
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You want to see something funny ? Come in the toilet
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, what have you been doing, writing on the walls again ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No, water on the sink is frozen, and a bunch of ants are crossing the ice they're slipping and falling all over the place. Come on. It's the funniest thing.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey man you got a weird sense of humor, you know that.
- Pete: You know, that's a very old model
- Det. Phil Fish: Your not kidding,They don't make it like they used to
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I want to go the the men's room.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Why didn't you say so?
- Lyle W. Farber: I deserve to suffer, but I don't want to wet my coat.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: All right. hurry up. You don't want to miss your ambulance.
- Lyle W. Farber: I'm not fit to be around human beings.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I got an interesting question.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, what's that ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Why would a flasher close the door to the bathroom ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: [about the flasher] He tried to electrocute himself, he stuck one finger in an outlet and one foot in the toilet bowl.
- Det. Phil Fish: No kidding... I didn't know he was that tall.