- Lesley Goldie: Welcome to London, Mr. Speiler.
- Sam Speiler: It is an honour and a pleasure.
- Lesley Goldie: It's an honour and a pleasure for us.
- Sam Speiler: That's what I meant.
- Lesley Goldie: Nearly all your films star men rather than women. Are you against actresses?
- Sam Speiler: Not as often as I'd like to be.
- Sam Speiler: I think it all stems back to the days when I made my first cowboy film and I had the actress, Victoria Vee foisted on me. She was named after your Queen Victoria, and not so damn long after, either.
- Angelica as Mae West: Well hello there, handsome.
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: Why jumpin' Jehoshaphat! As I live and breath... heavily. Haven't seen anything like that since I was weaned. Ivor Little John, Ma'am.
- Angelica as Mae West: Well, we all have our problems.
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: Don't think I've had the pleasure.
- Angelica as Mae West: Then you don't know what you're missin'.
- bartender: Her name's Angelica.
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: Angelica, oh what a euphemous appellation.
- Angelica as Mae West: My friends call be "Angel" for short... but not for long.
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: Then it's true what they say about you, Ma'am. You're a scarlet woman, you're cheap, you're common, you're promiscuous, you're permissive. I like that in a girl.
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: Young man, I have just been involved in a fracas. A veritable montage of fisticuffs.
- bartender: Who was you fightin', Mr. Little John?
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: Uh, you heard of Mark Magoulis, the Milwaulkee Mauler?
- bar patron: Why sure.
- Ivor Little John as W.C. Fields: His mother.
- Ivor Little John as W.C.Fields: My father was a Mayor.
- Angelica as Mae West: What was your mother? A jockey?
- Ivor Little John as W.C.Fields: Why, I'll have you know. my father fought the last of the Mohicoans. My father made the Brooklyn Bridge. My father made the Empire State Buiding. What did you father ever make?
- Angelica as Mae West: Look me over, Big Boy. Look me over. Now, come up to my room for a little Scotch and sofa.
- El Sidney: If I come home early, the wife think's I'm after something. If I come home late, she thinks I've had it... and she's right!
- El Sidney: My philosophy is: Live every day as if it was your last, 'cause one day, you'll be right.
- El Sidney: I said to the wife, "Go out and see if it's raining." She says, "Call the dog in and see if it's wet."