Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series)

Living Conditions (1999)

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Buffy Summers

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Quotes 

• Buffy Summers : So then, Kathy's like, "It's share time," and I'm like, "Oh, yeah? Share this."

  [she punches the air a few times] 

  Oz : So either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.

  Buffy Summers : Well, I didn't do either, actually... but she deserved it, don't you think?

  Oz : Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.

• Buffy Summers : Cool. You guys can do the brain thing... I'm gonna go to class.

  Oz : Which could also be construed as the brain thing.

  Buffy Summers : Not when you're minoring in "Napping 101."

• [about her roommate] 

  Buffy Summers : Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black *cancer*!

  [kicks and breaks a bench] 

  Buffy Summers : She's... other really bad things!

  Oz : On the plus side, you killed the bench which was lookin' shifty.

• Buffy Summers : I can't believe this. After all that we've been through together, and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is *bad*.

  Xander Harris : We want to, Buff. It's just...

  Oz : Shh. Don't engage.

• Buffy Summers : So then, after the scorpion, the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird light out of me. A-And the worst part? I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.

  Oz : Well, actually, the worst part? I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat.

  Willow Rosenberg : Me too. I would vote for that, too.

• Buffy Summers : [about Kathy]  She irons her jeans. She's evil. She has to be destroyed.

• Buffy Summers : Well, I would, but it's not just me in danger from Kathy. Look.

  [pulls out a baggie and shows it to Willow] 

  Willow Rosenberg : Toenails?

  Buffy Summers : Evil toenails... I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.

  Willow Rosenberg : Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have *attacked* you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.

• Kathy Newman : Look, I'm sorry, okay? I left my dimension to go to college and they sent these guys after me.

  [cuts to Giles at home] 

  Xander Harris : But while the Mok'tagar can assume many forms and guises, including human, they can always be recognized by others of their kind... due to their lack of a soul.

  [cuts back to Kathy and Buffy] 

  Kathy Newman : So I'm borrowing yours.

  Buffy Summers : Without even asking.

• Rupert Giles : I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.

  Buffy Summers : Lite FM. Love songs. Nothing but love songs!

  Xander Harris : You think?

• [the milk is missing] 

  Kathy Newman : Buffy, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure...

  [song ends and she hits repeat] 

  Kathy Newman : ... that we didn't have a thief or something.

  Buffy Summers : Like who? Sid the Wily Dairy Gnome?

• Rupert Giles : You know what this means?

  Buffy Summers : Yes. Not only does she take my sweater, but now she has to horn in on my dreams. She is the most ever mooch... Oh! I haven't even gotten to the floss.

• Buffy Summers : Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple. I'm gonna have to kill her.

• Willow Rosenberg : Happy hunting.

  Buffy Summers : Wish me monsters.

• [after ripping Kathy's human mask off] 

  Buffy Summers : I knew it!

• Rupert Giles : What sort of demon?

  Buffy Summers : Um, he had a cloak on. Glowy green eyes, and his skin had, like, a super bad fake rub-on tan.

  Rupert Giles : Translate?

  Buffy Summers : Orangey?

• [having just netted Buffy] 

  Buffy Summers : This is... This is ridiculous.

  Xander Harris : Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

  Buffy Summers : Not yet, but it will.

• Kathy Newman : Eww! Who left their gum here?

  Buffy Summers : Gum gnome?

  Kathy Newman : It wasn't me. It had to be somebody, Buffy.

• Kathy Newman : Hmm. Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

  Buffy Summers : Um-hmm, and guess what. You were next to it.

• Kathy Newman : Do you know what your problem is, Buffy?

  Buffy Summers : You?

  Kathy Newman : Hardly. You're problem is, you're spoiled. Maybe the world revolved around you where you used to live, but it's *share time* now.

• [last lines] 

  Buffy Summers : Well, I've always thought I was pretty easy going, you know. It's not like I have the big issues. I don't burn incense or...

  [Willow picks up the other half of Buffy's sandwich] 

  Willow Rosenberg : You gonna finish this?

  [takes a bite] 

• Buffy Summers : Wait. Did you just hear something?

  Willow Rosenberg : I'm chewing my gum kind of loud.

  Buffy Summers : That's not it.

  Willow Rosenberg : My sneakers are squeaky.

  Buffy Summers : I'm looking for something lurky here, Wil.

  Willow Rosenberg : Oh.

  [Long pause] 

  Willow Rosenberg : Sorry, no.

• [first lines] 

  Buffy Summers : Wow. This music is so... so...

  Kathy Newman : I know. This song is super fun, isn't it?

  Buffy Summers : You bet. It just gets fun-er and fun-er every time you play it.

  Kathy Newman : Going out?

  Buffy Summers : Yeah... I'm seriously caffeine-deprived. Figured I'd head down to the Grotto and get a jolt and, you know, do some studying.