- Rupert Giles: We'll get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain.
- Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell... Sodding. Blimey. Shagging. Knickers. Bollocks. Oh, God. I'm English.
- Rupert Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
- Spike: You don't suppose you and I... We're not related, are we?
- Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
- Rupert Giles: A-And you do inspire a, um... well, a particular feeling of... familiarity and... disappointment. Older brother?
- Spike: Father. Oh, God, how I must hate you.
- Rupert Giles: What did *I* do?
- Spike: Randy Giles? Why not just call me Horny Giles or Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles? I knew there was a reason I hated you.
- Spike: [as Randy] I must be a noble vampire. A good guy, on a mission of redemption... I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
- Buffy Summers: [as Joan] A vampire with a soul? Oh, my God. How lame is that?
- [Spike has amnesia, thinks Giles is his father]
- Spike: [as Randy] Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic mid-life crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
- [in the magic shop, with memory loss, after Anya has created chaos by randomly saying spells]
- Rupert Giles: [whispering] Look what you've done, you lunatic woman!
- Anya: [whispering] Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks-he's-so-great kind of jerk... And I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you!
- Willow Rosenberg: How ya doin', Dawn?
- Dawn Summers: Uh, I'm okay. It-It's scary... but weirdly, kind of familiar.
- Willow Rosenberg: I know what you mean.
- Dawn Summers: How are you?
- Willow Rosenberg: A little confused. I mean, I'm, uh, all sweaty and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire... And I think I'm kinda gay.
- Buffy Summers: [as Joan] To slay someone? A *female* someone. Who do those jerks think they are?
- Anya: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.
- Buffy Summers: But here, look.
- [points to Dawn's necklace]
- Buffy Summers: You're Dawn.
- Dawn Summers: Or "Umad."
- [when the vampires start attacking, Xander drops to his knees, clasps his hands and looks upward]
- Xander Harris: Hey, I'm not sure what I am, so bear with me here. Now I lay me down to sleep, uh, Shabbat Israel, uh, Omm. Omm.
- Spike: [as Randy] I'm a hero, really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it, to seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us, natural enemies thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. A lot of trust. No thought of me biting you. No thought of you staking me.
- Buffy Summers: [as Joan] Depends on how long you keep on yapping.
- Willow Rosenberg: We didn't want to know. We were so selfish. I was so selfish.
- Xander Harris: Maybe we were. I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's too mind-boggling. So I've decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive, so me glad.
- Dawn Summers: So, you don't have a name?
- Buffy Summers: Of course I do. I-I just don't happen to know it.
- Dawn Summers: You want me to name you?
- Buffy Summers: Oh, that's sweet, but I-I think I can name myself. I'll name me... Joan.
- Dawn Summers: Ugh.
- Buffy Summers: What? Did you just "ugh" my name?
- Dawn Summers: No. I just... I mean it's so blah. Joan?
- Buffy Summers: I like it. I feel like a Joan.
- [not knowing who she is, Buffy has named herself Joan]
- Buffy Summers: [as Joan] I think I know why Joan's the boss... I'm like a superhero or something.
- Rupert Giles: Well, maybe we all got, terribly drunk and this is some sort of, uh, blackout.
- Dawn Summers: I don't think I drink.
- Anya: I-I don't see any booze. I don't feel any head bumps. I don't see Allen Funt.
- Vamp #2: [outside the Magic Box] Send out Spike!
- Rupert Giles: They seem to want spikes.
- Spike: [as Randy] Oh!
- [Spike goes to the back of the store, comes back with a handful of stakes]
- Spike: [as Randy] Let's give 'em these.
- Rupert Giles: Oh, well done.
- Rupert Giles: As, uh, proprietor of a-a-a magic shop, I propose we fight them. We can use things here in the shop. You know, magic tricks or whatever they're called.
- Anya: What? I-I'm, just saying what everyone's thinking. Right, baby?
- Xander Harris: You are attractive, and have many good qualities.
- Xander Harris: [after waking up with no memory] Okay, why was I on the ground? And why are you all staring at me? Is this some kind of psych test? Am I getting paid for this?
- Xander Harris: [Looks at his wallet] It's me! 'Alexander Harris.' Cute picture.
- [holds it up to them]
- Xander Harris: Hey, I exist!
- [in the magic shop, with memory loss]
- Rupert Giles: [whispering] God, no wonder I'm leaving you!
- Anya: [whispering] What?
- Rupert Giles: [whispering] Look! One-way ticket to London and out of this engagement!
- Anya: [whispering] Of all the nerve!
- [a vampire attacks Spike while the gang has memory loss]
- Buffy Summers: [as Joan] Hey! Stay away from Randy!
- [she stakes the vampire attacking Spike/Randy and he dusts. the Scoobies and Buffy watch in complete wide-eyed amazement]
- Dawn Summers: Whoa!
- Willow Rosenberg: What did you just do?
- Buffy Summers: [as Joan] Uh... I... I don't know.
- [slow smile]
- Buffy Summers: But it was *cool*.
- Buffy Summers: Did you guys see that?
- Spike: [as Randy] Vampires!
- Tara Maclay: Maybe it's Halloween.
- Dawn Summers: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
- Xander Harris: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.
- Xander Harris: We need to spend more time with her. Just hang out. Maybe have weekly dinners over here. Or... a book club. Short books. Videos.
- [in the magic shop, with memory loss, Anya trying different spell books]
- Rupert Giles: Well, fine. Then just stay up there and keep making bunnies. It's a capital plan.
- Anya: What capital? I never know what you're talking about. Loo? Shag? Brolly? What the hell is all that?
- Rupert Giles: What? There's now way you could remember me saying any of those words.
- Anya: Ah, *bugger* off, you brolly.
- [in the magic shop, with memory loss, Anya trying different spell books and Giles fighting a sword duel with a skeleton]
- Rupert Giles: [to Anya] Get a different book!
- [grunting]
- Rupert Giles: Put that book down! Do you hear? Not that book!