Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Series)

The Replacement (2000)

Nicholas Brendon: Xander Harris

Photos 

Quotes 

• Xander Harris : A demon. A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.

  Willow Rosenberg : Uh... well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to un-hypnotise her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.

  Xander Harris : Right. Whatever.

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, you sound a little... You have to help me figure this out, you know.

  Xander Harris : But I never help. I get in trouble, and Buffy saves me.

  Willow Rosenberg : That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

• Riley : Getting nostalgic?

  Xander Harris : I don't know. At first, it's just a place. And then you start to make memories, and then you're like... that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out... I really hate this place.

• Rupert Giles : He had a very specific... olfactory presence.

  Xander Harris : Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place.

• Xander Harris : I'm just... another great humiliation. And this time, it's even worse. This demon, he's, like, taking my life, and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up. Wil, I'm starting to feel like...

  Willow Rosenberg : Like what?

  Xander Harris : Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, no! You-you're just tired and, and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.

  Xander Harris : Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the Pearly Gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic-book collection. Come on in."

• Anya : Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and, you know... we can all have sex together, and then, um, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.

  Xander Double : She's joking!

  Xander Harris : No she's not! She entirely wants to hae sex with us together, which is... wrong... and... and it would be very confusing.

• [Willow comes into her room. Two seconds later, Xander rushes in] 

  Xander Harris : [panicked]  Don't be scared, Wil. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.

  Willow Rosenberg : [confused]  Um... Okay.

  Xander Harris : Let's see. Stuff only you and me know... Okay! On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.

  [laughs slightly before returning to the panicked state] 

  Xander Harris : For a while last year, I thought I was lactose intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas we watch "Charlie Brown" together, and I do the Snoopy dance.

  [he does the dance. Willow watches, now with a little worried look as Xander gets more and more manic] 

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, stop dancing.

  Xander Harris : Aha! You called me Xander!

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?

  Xander Harris : Oh. Huh.

  Willow Rosenberg : What's going on?

  Xander Harris : Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.

  Willow Rosenberg : Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It-It's more like a really nice hovel.

  Xander Harris : No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night. Fall down, boom. Woke up this morning.

• Xander Harris : So you bought the Magic Shop, and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?

• Xander Harris : Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start lookin' for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?

• [Anya and Xander / his double sit on a blanket after kissing] 

  Anya : So... what happens next?

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : Well, at some point we take off our clothes.

  Anya : I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : A car?

  Anya : And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : What are you talking about?

  Anya : Just... we have get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : There's no hurry.

  Anya : Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.

  [he touches her arm sling] 

  Anya : What about the sling?

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : You haven't been hurt like this since you became human.

  [She nods reluctantly] 

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.

  Anya : [she pouts]  No, that's not it.

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years.

  [Anya nods] 

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.

  Anya : You don't understand what it's like.

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.

  Anya : You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.

  Xander Harris , Xander Double : No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.

• [Xander, Anya, Riley and Buffy are watching a kung-fu movie] 

  Xander : Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

• [first lines] 

  Xander Harris : I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.

  Anya : We thing the cat peed on it.