Coupling (TV Series)

The Girl with Two Breasts (2000)

Richard Coyle: Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock

Quotes 

• Jeff : She's leaving the country... she doesn't speak English... I insulted her friend's breasts... and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

• Jeff : Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray...? Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form.

• Jeff : But she won't understand a word I'm saying.

  Susan Walker : Yeah, but on the plus side: She won't understand a word you're saying.

• Steve Taylor : There are times I worry about the way you see women.

  Jeff : I see women as people in their own right.

  Patrick Maitland : In many ways, they *are*.

  Steve Taylor : You see women as transport for breasts!

  Jeff : Hey, I can see past breasts now, Steve. I need more than that.

  Steve Taylor : Yeah, I can tell.

  Jeff : I need breasts with brains. I don't mean *individual* brains, obviously. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought, and the next thing is, they don't get on. There's a clash of personalities.

• Jeff : I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say gusset accidentally?

• Jeff : Breasts!

• Jeff : Sjadajim!

• Jeff : I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought and the next thing that happens they don't get on.

• Jeff : You know what, there's something I've always wanted to say and, erm, now I feel that at long last I can. Breasts. Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts!

• Alice : Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up.

  Jeff : Well, that's a bit unfair. It's hardly your fault.

• Steve : [to Jeff]  When you say things like nudity buffer, you actually expect people to know what you mean?

  Jeff : Alright, when you first see a woman you like you have a buffer of about five minutes before you have fully mapped out what she looks like naked.

  Patrick : A full five?

  Jeff : You have to asses her nipple type and that takes time.

  Patrick : Oh yeah good point.

• Steve Taylor : In the event of a mind ray, stand next to Patrick.

  Jeff : Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick. See, women think we're normal, like them, 'cause we talk to them like normal people, you know, we say, "hello, how are you. Haven't seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?" But all the time in our brains, we've got the word "breasts" on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting "Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!"

• Patrick Maitland : Forget the nudity buffer. She just did another glance.

  Jeff : Forget it? Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick? Did I ever tell you about the little redhead in my office?

  Patrick Maitland : Never mind about the little redhead...

  Jeff : Been there two years but I missed the buffer. That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing *deviant* sex acts that would make the world's top porn stars go white and steady themselves on the furniture. I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room. Every time she passes me in a corridor, I walk sideways into the wall. She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.

• [Steve and Patrick are trying to get Jeff to speak to a beautiful girl who's been eyeing him all evening] 

  Steve : If she touches her hair, you're in.

  Jeff : Her hair?

  Patrick : Yeah, their second thought is always to worry about their hair.

  Jeff : What, when they se someone they like?

  Patrick : ...Just generally.

  [the Girl teases the end of her hair] 

  Patrick : This is not a drill!