- [last lines]
- Mary Alice: Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry... or a fight to the death... the end result is the same. There will be winners... and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.
- Rex Van De Kamp: You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing?
- Bree Van De Kamp: Rex, this was practically assault.
- Rex Van De Kamp: Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems.
- Bree Van De Kamp: Is that relevant?
- Rex Van De Kamp: Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry.
- Bree Van De Kamp: If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!
- Rex Van De Kamp: All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here.
- Bree Van De Kamp: And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems... which are not so serious... does not help him.
- Rex Van De Kamp: Our problems are serious!
- Bree Van De Kamp: Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit.
- Rex Van De Kamp: Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today.
- Bree Van De Kamp: You went to an attorney?
- Rex Van De Kamp: Yeah! And a good one too!
- Bree Van De Kamp: Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!
- Rex Van De Kamp: Bring it on!
- Julie Mayer: Mom, you're getting too dressed up.
- Susan Mayer: I know, but I wanna look really sexy.
- Julie Mayer: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven.
- Susan Mayer: Hmm. How about midnight?
- Julie Mayer: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?
- Susan Mayer: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation.
- Julie Mayer: We are because I enjoy being an only child.
- Susan Mayer: Are you finished?
- Julie Mayer: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again.
- Susan Mayer: Okay, you can leave now.
- Bree Van De Kamp: Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father.
- Danielle Van De Kamp: I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom.
- Bree Van De Kamp: Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache.
- Bree Van De Kamp: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.
- Susan Mayer: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.
- Lynette Scavo: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?
- Susan Mayer: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.
- Gabrielle Solis: Who the hell's Dana?
- Lynette Scavo: That's the mystery part.
- Susan Mayer: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.
- Lynette Scavo: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...
- Bree Van De Kamp: ...and sent the note.
- Gabrielle Solis: So who the hell is that?
- Tom Scavo: Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!
- Lynette Scavo: Thanks.
- Tom Scavo: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign.
- Lynette Scavo: Great! You wanna run it by me?
- Tom Scavo: No. I'm good. But, thanks.
- Lynette Scavo: Okay.
- Tom Scavo: Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?
- Lynette Scavo: Yeah?
- Tom Scavo: I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could...
- Lynette Scavo: And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?
- Tom Scavo: Uh... day after tomorrow!
- Lynette Scavo: Tom!
- Tom Scavo: Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice.
- Lynette Scavo: You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?
- Tom Scavo: I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time...
- Lynette Scavo: What did you say?
- Tom Scavo: Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it.
- Lynette Scavo: No, no. Let's, let's do it.
- Tom Scavo: Really?
- Lynette Scavo: Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off.
- Gabrielle Solis: It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you.
- John Rowland: I hate that she's always watching us.
- Gabrielle Solis: So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?
- John Rowland: Uh, I've got plans.
- Gabrielle Solis: So cancel.
- John Rowland: They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies.
- Gabrielle Solis: That sounds like a date.
- John Rowland: Yeah.
- Gabrielle Solis: Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls.
- Susan Mayer: Hey, Edie!
- Edie Britt: Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.
- Susan Mayer: Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI.
- Susan Mayer: Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice.
- Mike Delfino: Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest.
- Kendra Taylor: Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra.
- Susan Mayer: Susan.
- Kendra Taylor: I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff.
- Mike Delfino: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend.
- Susan Mayer: Old friend?
- Mike Delfino: Yeah, you know...
- Susan Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?
- Mike Delfino: It's hard to explain.
- Susan Mayer: Could you give it a shot?
- Mike Delfino: I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look... amazing.
- Kendra Taylor: Mike, where are the towels?
- Susan Mayer: Thanks.
- Edie Britt: Hey, how was your big date?
- Susan Mayer: Mike had to reschedule.
- Edie Britt: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI.
- Paul Young: Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do.
- Edie Britt: Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
- Paul Young: I am?
- Edie Britt: Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
- Paul Young: Is there any way to get around it?
- Edie Britt: Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.
- Gabrielle Solis: Hey, Danielle.
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Hey, Mrs. Solis.
- Gabrielle Solis: Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?
- Danielle Van De Kamp: You remember that? That was, like, last summer!
- Gabrielle Solis: Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?
- Gabrielle Solis: I sure would.
- Danielle Van De Kamp: I would so love to go to New York.
- Gabrielle Solis: Oh, and I would so love to help you get there.
- Lynette Scavo: Hey, Jordana!
- Jordana Geist: Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?
- Lynette Scavo: Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people.
- Jordana Geist: Sounds fun.
- Lynette Scavo: Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?
- Jordana Geist: Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week.
- Lynette Scavo: Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.
- Jordana Geist: Yeah, sisters are great.
- Lynette Scavo: Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here.
- Jordana Geist: Yeah, the come down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help.
- Lynette Scavo: I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana.
- Jordana Geist: What's that supposed to mean?
- Lynette Scavo: It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!
- Andrew Van De Kamp: What's this about?
- Rex Van De Kamp: You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.
- Bree Van De Kamp: But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.
- Andrew Van De Kamp: I've got a question.
- Bree Van De Kamp: Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.
- Andrew Van De Kamp: Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.
- Kendra Taylor: Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?
- Mike Delfino: There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out.
- Kendra Taylor: Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit.
- Mike Delfino: Well, I changed my mind.
- Kendra Taylor: This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money.
- Mike Delfino: You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?
- Kendra Taylor: That's not funny. Mike, here's the thing.
- Mike Delfino: What?
- Kendra Taylor: Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over. Let me have my father back.
- Mike Delfino: If I quit he'll just hire somebody else.
- Kendra Taylor: Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find.
- Mike Delfino: Oh, I can't do that.
- Kendra Taylor: What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike.
- [first lines]
- Mary Alice: Competition. It means different things to different people. In suburbia, it means keeping up with the Joneses. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van De Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood, and no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Hoover, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed, or how lovingly she watered, or how generously she fertilized, the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence.