The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Big Max Calvada (1963)

Rose Marie: Sally Rogers

Quotes 

• Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.

  Sally Rogers : Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.

  Buddy Sorrell : I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.

  Sally Rogers : I'll take that bet.

  [They shake hands on it] 

  Kenny Dexter : [entering, imitating James Cagney]  All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.

  [Sally glumly plants a ten dollar bill in Buddy's hand] 

• Rob Petrie : Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?

  Kenny Dexter : Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.

  Sally Rogers : He's ready, then.

• Rob Petrie : [realizing]  Big Max Calvada...

  Sally Rogers : I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.

  Rob Petrie : [with growing dread]  Because I TOLD him to wait.

• [Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them] 

  Rob Petrie : [fearing for their lives]  Hey, Sal, whadda you think?

  Sally Rogers : Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?

  Buddy Sorrell : Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.

  Rob Petrie : Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.

  Sally Rogers : Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.

  Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.

  Sally Rogers : Yeah.

  Rob Petrie : That's right.

  Max Calvada : That could be worked out.

  Rob Petrie : Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.

  Sally Rogers : I think so.

  Buddy Sorrell : I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.

  Max Calvada : He knows ME.

  Rob Petrie : And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.

  Sally Rogers : Oh, sure.

  Rob Petrie : Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.

  Buddy Sorrell : Yeah.

  Sally Rogers : A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.

  Buddy Sorrell : We get a lot of loot for three. Right.

  Max Calvada : Money is no object.

  Rob Petrie : I would imagine the money's probably no object.

• Max Calvada : He's openin' at the Diamond Club.

  Sally Rogers : The Diamond Club?

  Rob Petrie : Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?

  Max Calvada : Who's not thinkin' of it?

  Rob Petrie : Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.

  Max Calvada : [not to be argued with]  I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.

  Rob Petrie : Well. Mr. Calvada, couldn't he, couldn't he be sick in 2 weeks?

  Max Calvada : I'm sorry, his disease has already been arranged for.

• Sally Rogers : What is big and green and, um, has a big trunk?

  Buddy Sorrell : An unripe elephant.

• [Bernard reaches into his coat's inside breast pocket] 

  Sally Rogers : [figuring it's a gun, shouts...]  THIS IS IT!

  [Buddy, Sally and Rob dive for the floor]