- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.
- Sally Rogers: Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.
- Buddy Sorrell: I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.
- Sally Rogers: I'll take that bet.
- [They shake hands on it]
- Kenny Dexter: [entering, imitating James Cagney] All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.
- [Sally glumly plants a ten dollar bill in Buddy's hand]
- Kenny Dexter: Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet, see, 'cause I got some great ideas. Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage, then a drum roll - T-D-D-D-D-D-D - then the spotlight hits me, and there I am in my white tuxedo!
- Buddy Sorrell: What a target!
- Rob Petrie: Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
- Kenny Dexter: Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.
- Sally Rogers: He's ready, then.
- Max Calvada: Kenneth Dexter's my nephew. He's my sister Sylvia's boy.
- Rob Petrie: You have a sister?
- Max Calvada: Well, sure. She's a college graduate. And it's Kenneth's ambition to go into show business - as a comedian.
- Bernard: [deadpan] The kid breaks me up.
- Kenny Dexter: Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red Skelton and Sammy Davis Jr.
- Buddy Sorrell: This kid don't need an act. He needs a large dressing room.
- Max Calvada: Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging for your transportation home because these folks have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.
- Rob Petrie: Well, here-here? Tonight?
- Max Calvada: Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut is still fresh in our mind.
- Rob Petrie: [realizing] Big Max Calvada...
- Sally Rogers: I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.
- Rob Petrie: [with growing dread] Because I TOLD him to wait.
- [Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them]
- Rob Petrie: [fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?
- Sally Rogers: Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.
- Rob Petrie: Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah.
- Rob Petrie: That's right.
- Max Calvada: That could be worked out.
- Rob Petrie: Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
- Sally Rogers: I think so.
- Buddy Sorrell: I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
- Max Calvada: He knows ME.
- Rob Petrie: And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, sure.
- Rob Petrie: Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
- Sally Rogers: A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.
- Buddy Sorrell: We get a lot of loot for three. Right.
- Max Calvada: Money is no object.
- Rob Petrie: I would imagine the money's probably no object.
- Max Calvada: He's openin' at the Diamond Club.
- Sally Rogers: The Diamond Club?
- Rob Petrie: Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?
- Max Calvada: Who's not thinkin' of it?
- Rob Petrie: Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.
- Max Calvada: [not to be argued with] I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.
- Rob Petrie: Well. Mr. Calvada, couldn't he, couldn't he be sick in 2 weeks?
- Max Calvada: I'm sorry, his disease has already been arranged for.
- [Bernard reaches into his coat's inside breast pocket]
- Sally Rogers: [figuring it's a gun, shouts...] THIS IS IT!
- [Buddy, Sally and Rob dive for the floor]
- Laura Petrie: You're not really THAT nervous, are you?
- Rob Petrie: Not nervous? When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?