The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Coast to Coast Big Mouth (1965)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Quotes 

• Laura Petrie : [relieved now that all turned out well]  Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.

  Alan Brady : [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out]  You told her about my nose?

  Laura Petrie : Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!

  Rob Petrie : She loves it.

  Alan Brady : Did you tell her about my capped teeth?

  Laura Petrie : Mm-mm.

  Rob Petrie : You've got capped teeth?

  Alan Brady : NO!

• Rob Petrie : What is long and yellow and seldom rings?

  Buddy Sorrell : An unlisted banana.

• Rob Petrie : I am surprised you didn't blab about his nose being fixed.

  Laura Petrie : I didn't know Alan had a nose job.

  Rob Petrie : No, up till now it was a secret.

• Rob Petrie : Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.

  Laura Petrie : I'm not sure.

• Rob Petrie : Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?

  Buddy Sorrell : What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?

• Sally Rogers : She's here.

  Rob Petrie : Where?

  Sally Rogers : I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.

  Rob Petrie : The elevator?

  Sally Rogers : Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.

• Rob Petrie : Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.

  Alan Brady : Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it. Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

• [Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in] 

  Rob Petrie : There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.

  Millie Helper : Ooo, uh, nine.

  Rob Petrie : All right. Laura?

  Laura Petrie : Three.

  Rob Petrie : Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?

  Millie Helper : Weeping willow.

  Rob Petrie : Weeping willow.

  Laura Petrie : The mighty oak.

  Rob Petrie : All right, your favorite planet.

  Laura Petrie : Earth.

  Millie Helper : She took my planet.

  Laura Petrie : Oh, Millie!

  Millie Helper : Okay, give me Pluto.

  Rob Petrie : Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.

  Millie Helper : Wonderful.

  Laura Petrie : Rob, how did you arrive at that?

  Rob Petrie : Well, what's the difference? We did it.

  [Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded] 

• Rob Petrie : The item said, "The question of whether Alan Brady is bald or not was answered today on television by the wife of the future ex-writer of the Alan Brady show."

  Laura Petrie : Rob, what do you think Alan will do?

  Rob Petrie : Well, uh honey, it's not what, it's how, how, how he will do it.