The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Coast to Coast Big Mouth (1965)

Carl Reiner: Alan Brady

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Brady : [Talking to his toupee stands]  Fellas... there she is. There's the little lady who put you out of business.

• Alan Brady : [presenting all his various toupees]  What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?

  Laura Petrie : Well, there must be some... needy bald people.

  Alan Brady : NEEDY BALD PEOPLE!

• Laura Petrie : [relieved now that all turned out well]  Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.

  Alan Brady : [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out]  You told her about my nose?

  Laura Petrie : Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!

  Rob Petrie : She loves it.

  Alan Brady : Did you tell her about my capped teeth?

  Laura Petrie : Mm-mm.

  Rob Petrie : You've got capped teeth?

  Alan Brady : NO!

• Laura Petrie : If Rob knew I was here, he'd kill me.

  Alan Brady : Good, I'll call him.

• [repeated line] 

  Alan Brady : Shut up, Mel.

• Laura Petrie : Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.

  Alan Brady : Sure, like a father figure, right?

  Laura Petrie : Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.

  Alan Brady : A bald mother figure?

• Rob Petrie : Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.

  Alan Brady : Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it. Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

• Alan Brady : [Rob has entered his office and talks to Laura, completely ignoring him]  Hi there. Remember me?

• Alan Brady : Here it is, Mel, a thousand dollars worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?

  Mel Cooley : Well, Alan, I was wondering if, uh...

  Alan Brady : You want one of them?

  [Mel nods] 

  Alan Brady : I'd rather make a coat for my wife.

  [knocks down one of his toupee stands off his desk] 

  Alan Brady : Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

  Mel Cooley : I can't tell you how sorry I am about this whole mess.

  Alan Brady : You can't tell me anything. Don't touch my hair, will ya?

  [the intercom on Alan's desk buzzes] 

  Alan Brady : Yes, what? Mrs. Petrie?

  Mel Cooley : Rob's wife?

  Alan Brady : No, his mother.

  [into the phone] 

  Alan Brady : I know it's his wife. Send her in.

  [hangs up the phone] 

  Alan Brady : That girl is crazy. She is crazy.

  Mel Cooley : Well, I've always felt there was a little problem...

  [there is a knock on the door] 

  Alan Brady : You never felt anything. Now go answer the door, will you?