- Alan Brady: [Talking to his toupee stands] Fellas... there she is. There's the little lady who put you out of business.
- Alan Brady: [presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?
- Laura Petrie: Well, there must be some... needy bald people.
- Alan Brady: NEEDY BALD PEOPLE!
- Laura Petrie: [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.
- Alan Brady: [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?
- Laura Petrie: Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!
- Rob Petrie: She loves it.
- Alan Brady: Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
- Laura Petrie: Mm-mm.
- Rob Petrie: You've got capped teeth?
- Alan Brady: NO!
- Rob Petrie: I am surprised you didn't blab about his nose being fixed.
- Laura Petrie: I didn't know Alan had a nose job.
- Rob Petrie: No, up till now it was a secret.
- Johnny Patrick: Petrie, Petrie... Is your husband in television?
- Laura Petrie: Yes, he is.
- Johnny Patrick: I thought that name was familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most talented men in our business.
- Laura Petrie: Thank you. I think he is.
- Johnny Patrick: The producer of that fantastic show "The World in Trouble" - Dave Petrie.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, no.
- Johnny Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. He's not producing that show anymore.
- Laura Petrie: No, he's not my husband.
- Johnny Patrick: Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.
- Laura Petrie: No, no, he never was.
- Johnny Patrick: OH!
- Johnny Patrick: Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, yes.
- Johnny Patrick: Uh-huh. Does he wear his toupee at home?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, golly, yes, he wears it all the time.
- Johnny Patrick: YOU MEAN THAT ALAN BRADY IS REALLY BALD?
- Laura Petrie: NO!
- Johnny Patrick: Well, then why does he wear a toupee?
- Laura Petrie: Well...
- Johnny Patrick: That's it, ladies. The secret's out. She knows and she said it. How about that, folks?
- Laura Petrie: I didn't mean to say it.
- Johnny Patrick: Laura, listen, don't worry about it. I'm sure that Alan will understand.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, no, he won't. You don't know him. When he finds out, he's gonna just...
- Johnny Patrick: He'll what? He'll what?
- Laura Petrie: Nothing.
- Johnny Patrick: What? What?
- Laura Petrie: Nothing. He a a nice man. Thank you very much for all the prizes.
- Johnny Patrick: Thank you for the scoop. Bye. How about that, girls? Are you having fun? Don't forget, you heard it on this show.
- Laura Petrie: Rob's home. Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?
- Millie Helper: I wish you hadn't asked me that.
- Laura Petrie: Why?
- Millie Helper: 'Cause you're not gonna like my answer: Goodbye and good luck.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Millie...
- Millie Helper: [nervously to Rob] Hi, I see you're home.
- Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.
- Laura Petrie: I'm not sure.
- Rob Petrie: Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?
- Buddy Sorrell: What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?
- Sally Rogers: She's here.
- Rob Petrie: Where?
- Sally Rogers: I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.
- Rob Petrie: The elevator?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.
- Laura Petrie: Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.
- Alan Brady: Sure, like a father figure, right?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.
- Alan Brady: A bald mother figure?
- Rob Petrie: Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.
- Alan Brady: Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it. Rob, you're a beautiful girl.
- [Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]
- Rob Petrie: There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.
- Millie Helper: Ooo, uh, nine.
- Rob Petrie: All right. Laura?
- Laura Petrie: Three.
- Rob Petrie: Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?
- Millie Helper: Weeping willow.
- Rob Petrie: Weeping willow.
- Laura Petrie: The mighty oak.
- Rob Petrie: All right, your favorite planet.
- Laura Petrie: Earth.
- Millie Helper: She took my planet.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Millie!
- Millie Helper: Okay, give me Pluto.
- Rob Petrie: Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.
- Millie Helper: Wonderful.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, how did you arrive at that?
- Rob Petrie: Well, what's the difference? We did it.
- [Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]
- Rob Petrie: The item said, "The question of whether Alan Brady is bald or not was answered today on television by the wife of the future ex-writer of the Alan Brady show."
- Laura Petrie: Rob, what do you think Alan will do?
- Rob Petrie: Well, uh honey, it's not what, it's how, how, how he will do it.
- Alan Brady: [Rob has entered his office and talks to Laura, completely ignoring him] Hi there. Remember me?
- Alan Brady: Here it is, Mel, a thousand dollars worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?
- Mel Cooley: Well, Alan, I was wondering if, uh...
- Alan Brady: You want one of them?
- [Mel nods]
- Alan Brady: I'd rather make a coat for my wife.
- [knocks down one of his toupee stands off his desk]
- Alan Brady: Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.
- Mel Cooley: I can't tell you how sorry I am about this whole mess.
- Alan Brady: You can't tell me anything. Don't touch my hair, will ya?
- [the intercom on Alan's desk buzzes]
- Alan Brady: Yes, what? Mrs. Petrie?
- Mel Cooley: Rob's wife?
- Alan Brady: No, his mother.
- [into the phone]
- Alan Brady: I know it's his wife. Send her in.
- [hangs up the phone]
- Alan Brady: That girl is crazy. She is crazy.
- Mel Cooley: Well, I've always felt there was a little problem...
- [there is a knock on the door]
- Alan Brady: You never felt anything. Now go answer the door, will you?