- Nurse: [presenting folder] Mrs. Petrie, I have your valuables right here. Would you check them, please?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, no, these aren't mine. I had just a watch.
- Nurse: [checking the folder] Oh, stupid. Room 203. Busy, busy, busy. Here's room 208.
- Laura Petrie: That's it. Yes, thank you.
- Nurse: Well, goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, and I wish you a lot of luck with her.
- Rob Petrie: Her?
- Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry - him! Baby boy Peters.
- Rob Petrie: No, no, uh - Petrie.
- Nurse: Whatever.
- Nurse: [to other nurse] Edna, please go make up Mrs. Petrie's room.
- Rob Petrie: We're the... we're the, um, Petries.
- Nurse: Well, whatever. They're leaving today, too. Boy, will I be glad when this day is over!
- [Buddy rides a small bicycle into the Petrie house]
- Rob Petrie: Is that for us?
- Buddy Sorrell: No, my car broke down so I rode Sally up on the handlebars. Yeah, I-I bought it for the kid.
- Rob Petrie: Well, he's just a little baby!
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's a little bicycle. They can grow up together.
- Rob Petrie: Jerry, that nurse gave Laura the wrong jewelry, she called him a her, she didn't even know our name, and everybody, including me, thinks it looks like a different baby.
- Jerry Helper: Rob...
- Rob Petrie: Look, even Laura thinks the baby looks different. His own mother!... I think.
- Rob Petrie: Laura, did you know that one out of every fifty million women have the wrong baby?
- Laura Petrie: Well, that's a cute trick. How does she manage it?
- Rob Petrie: Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it. It's after she has it she has it!
- Rob Petrie: Who, uh... who do you think the baby looks like?
- Jerry Helper: You know, I don't know. How can you tell at this age? I mean, their looks change every day. Now, that first day, he looked like you.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah. Then a little later he looked something like Laura.
- Jerry Helper: Mm-hm.
- Rob Petrie: Then, the day comin' home in the cab, he looked a lot like Ralph Martoni.
- Jerry Helper: Who's Ralph Martoni?
- Rob Petrie: The cab driver. Didn't you see his picture on the license plate? Little pudgy bald guy.
- Jerry Helper: Rob, listen, all newborn babies look like Ralph Martoni. I mean, the hospital could give you any kid and you wouldn't know the difference.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, h-h-ow much do you like that baby?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.
- Rob Petrie: No, honey, I'm not gettin...
- Laura Petrie: Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything.
- Rob Petrie: Alright, that is just about everything, huh?
- Laura Petrie: How about the baby?
- Rob Petrie: Awww, only a mother would think of that.