- Rob Petrie: Oh, Janey, this is our son, Ritchie.
- Jane Leighton: Oh, he is darling.
- Jane Leighton: [to Ritchie] Hi. You know, I hope someday I have a boy JUST like you.
- Ritchie Petrie: And I hope I have a GIRL just like you.
- Rob Petrie: You know, you sound exactly like one of those wives in a situation comedy.
- Laura Petrie: I'm sorry, Rob. You're right. It... I don't think that you are interested in her. I'm sure you're not. I trust you. I realize that a handsome man like yourself is bound to attract a certain number of coquettish women, and I want you to know I understand this. And if Miss Leighton feels it's necessary to attempt a flirtation with you, I'm not going to be one of those screaming, nagging wives. I'll merely go up to her and quietly kill her. Dinner is ready.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, come here.
- [He hugs her but Laura stands rigidly]
- Laura Petrie: My vegetables are burning!
- Jane Leighton: Oh, my. What a lovely home you have.
- Laura Petrie: Thank you. Won't you sit down?
- Jane Leighton: Thank you. Oh, if I had known Rob would do THIS well, I might have said yes to him when he proposed to me.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, uh, proposed to you?
- Jane Leighton: At least twenty times.
- Laura Petrie: Well, if you'll excuse me, Miss Leighton, I have a roast in the bathtub and my son's in the oven.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, and, Miss Leighton, if you'd like something to read, there's some coffee on the magazine table.
- Laura Petrie: I'm saying that you should do whatever you feel is right, but bear in mind what I feel, because what I feel is a woman's feelings - something you couldn't possibly feel. And whenever you feel, you feel because of your feelings, which are a man's feelings, and... I don't know what I'm talking about, so do what you want and don't bother me.
- [Out of nervousness, Rob grinds pepper into one of the cooking pots]
- Laura Petrie: I was right. Little Janey IS a homewrecker.
- Rob Petrie: What? A homewrecker? Why... Honey, what did she do?
- Laura Petrie: [pouring out the cooking pot contents] Well, she started by ruining our chocolate pudding.
- Sally Rogers: Say, you don't happen to have any unmarried men in your family, do you?
- Jane Leighton: Well, I have two half-brothers.
- Sally Rogers: Good. Put 'em together and I'll marry 'em.
- Jane Leighton: They're a little young.
- Sally Rogers: How young?
- Jane Leighton: One is fifteen and one's thirteen.
- Sally Rogers: Twenty-eight - that ain't bad.
- Sally Rogers: You mean she doesn't mind you spending your evenings...
- Sally Rogers: [coughs] ... coaching.
- Rob Petrie: Laura mind?
- Rob Petrie: [chuckles] I'm lucky if she'll talk to me.
- Rob Petrie: Now, come on, Honey. You know very well that Jane doesn't mean anything to me. I knew her in high school; I never could find anything about her that attracted or interested me.
- Laura Petrie: [sarcastic] Aww. Well, maybe if you spend a little time with her and look hard enough, you'll find something.
- Rob Petrie: Laura, she is an OLD FRIEND.
- Laura Petrie: She carries her age beautifully.
- Rob Petrie: [as he heads out to meet Jane] Honey, what will YOU do this evening?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, slam doors, mumble, throw things. I'll keep busy. Good night, Mr. Ziegfeld!