"The Dick Van Dyke Show" The Ugliest Dog in the World (TV Episode 1965) - Richard Deacon as Mel Cooley

Sally Rogers : Don't tell me Alan wants the script.

Mel Cooley : Of course, and so does Pally's trainer.

Sally Rogers : You mean the dog has script approval?

Buddy Sorrell : No, they ran outta newspaper.
[the canine Pygmalion sketch is out]

Mel Cooley : So I guess you better take your dog back to the pound.

Buddy Sorrell : No, why don't we keep him and send YOU to the pound? They'll never know the difference.

Sally Rogers : Oh, sure they will. The dog's got more hair.

Mel Cooley : SALLY!

Sally Rogers : Well, Mel, I just thought it would hurt less coming from me.

Mel Cooley : Well, it didn't.
Mel Cooley : [seeing Buddy on all fours] Should I throw you a bone?

Buddy Sorrell : Why, do you wanna get rid of your head?
Mel Cooley : Oh, I'd rather not show anything to Alan that's unfinished.

Buddy Sorrell : Why? He sees YOU all the time.
Mel Cooley : "Pygmalion?" Do you think it'd work with a dog?

Sally Rogers : Why not? It was great with pigs.
Mel Cooley : Oh, I think I'd better check with Pally's trainer. I don't think they'll let that creature near her.

Buddy Sorrell : They let YOU near her. This is a step up.
Sally Rogers : I think it's a fabulous idea, Rob. Really.

Buddy Sorrell : What's so fabulous about it?

Sally Rogers : It's a classic. They based "My Fair Lady" on it, stupid.

Rob Petrie : Mel, what do you think?

Mel Cooley : I agree with you and Sally. The idea's good and Buddy's stupid.
Mel Cooley : Alan won't work with any actor who bites him.

Richard Deacon: Mel Cooley