- [Rob can't take another week of Alan's anxieties and needling over a risky show that become preempted due to a flooded subway]
- Laura Petrie: Rob, something has come up that I, as your wife, feel that you should know.
- Rob Petrie: If it'll make me happy, go ahead and tell me, if not, save it, because it could drive me over the brink.
- Millie Helper: [bursting out in tears] Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry! Y-you don't ever have to speak to me ever again.
- Rob Petrie: [levelly] It's not gonna me me happy, is it?
- Laura Petrie: I don't think so.
- Rob Petrie: Did she kill Jerry?
- Laura Petrie: Rob, is has to do with the program.
- Rob Petrie: SHE flooded the subway?
- Millie Helper: [distraught] I was only trying to help!
- Rob Petrie: [incredulously] She DID flood the subway?
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, you know something? Mel is so bald, the other day in the supermarket, a woman started squeezing his bald head to see if it was ripe.
- Sally Rogers: What's that got to do with this?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, nothing. My mind wandered.
- Laura Petrie: Now, I think the first thing we have to do is say nothing to Rob.
- Millie Helper: Ooo, I like that first thing.
- Rob Petrie: Wish me luck. I'm goin' to Alan's office.
- Sally Rogers: Okay.
- Buddy Sorrell: I'll go with ya. I'll wait in the hall and be your lookout.
- Rob Petrie: Look, I'm not gonna steal the letters. I gonna tell Alan the truth.
- Buddy Sorrell: I'll still go along.
- Sally Rogers: Look, if he's gonna tell the truth, he doesn't need a lookout.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sure, he does. I'll stand out there, and when Alan throws him out the window, I'll yell, "LOOKOUT!"
- Mel Cooley: Oh-oh-oh, this toupee seems to have less hair in it than the old one.
- Alan Brady: I ordered it that way. I wanna grow bald gracefully, not like you.
- Alan Brady: Mel, I'm thirsty.
- Mel Cooley: Oh, you want a drink, Alan?
- Alan Brady: No, a glass of dust.
- Sally Rogers: [having read Rob's documentary script for Alan] Look, Rob, it's a beautiful piece of writing - it really is - but you know Alan. If he doesn't have a laugh every ten seconds, he calls the cops and has the audience arrested.
- Mel Cooley: Now, shut up. Go to rehearsal, Alan. Ha-ha-ha.
- Alan Brady: "Shut up and go to rehearsal?" Don't do that. You're not that secure.
- Rob Petrie: Anybody is welcome to have their own opinion about anything. Millie, get out of my house.
- Rob Petrie: [referring to his documentary script] The thing is, everybody knows that Alan is a great comedian. I thought this'd give him a chance to be something different.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sure, a flop.
- Rob Petrie: I don't think I'm very smart.
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, you're smart enough to know you're stupid.
- [Alan phones to decline Rob's request to host his documentary on comedy - something out of the norm for Alan - a rejection Rob is relieved to hear since failure of the documentary could cost him his job]
- Alan Brady: I just think I'll stick to what I know is right for me.
- Rob Petrie: [glad] Oh, sure, Alan. D'ya... you just weren't right for it.
- Alan Brady: If you didn't think I was right for it in the first place, why did you show me the script?
- Rob Petrie: But, well, now, no, in-in the first place, I-I thought you WERE right for it.
- Alan Brady: But you've changed your mind.
- Rob Petrie: No. No. I-I-I still think you're right for it.
- Alan Brady: But you don't want me to do it.
- Rob Petrie: Uh, well, look, Alan, let's put it this way. I'd... I'd... duh... I want you to do it, but it's... I don't want to force you.
- Alan Brady: Rob, NOBODY forces Alan Brady to do ANYTHING.
- Rob Petrie: That's right, Alan. I wouldn't force you. We'll get somebody else. That's all.
- Alan Brady: Ah, Rob, you son of a gun, you did it. You really know how to use the psychology, don't you?
- Rob Petrie: [now worried] ... Uh-huh...
- Alan Brady: You win. I accept your challenge.
- Rob Petrie: [tongue-tied] Wd-ah-wd-wd-ah-wh-ah...
- Alan Brady: You don't say? Listen, Rob, are you trying to say there's something upsetting you here?
- Rob Petrie: No, no! Oops, no, sir. I'm thrilled, Alan. I'm helple... ye... uh, uh, I'm, uh, I'm, uh... ha-ha-ha... speechless.
- Alan Brady: After I do the show, Rob, you could be jobless, too. So long.
- Millie Helper: Huh.
- Laura Petrie: Millie, what was that "huh?"
- Millie Helper: Just "huh."
- Laura Petrie: No, Millie, I know you a little too well. That was no ordinary "huh." Now, what are you thinking?
- [Millie sent fourteen letters praising Alan Brady for a show that didn't air]
- Laura Petrie: We have nothing to worry about.
- Millie Helper: Oh, good.
- Laura Petrie: What do I mean "we?"
- Millie Helper: You and me.
- Laura Petrie: Yeah, that's what I mean. It is not you and me. It's just you.
- Millie Helper: But you didn't tell me not to do it!
- Laura Petrie: Millie, I didn't tell you anything, I didn't even know what you were talking about, and I certainly didn't think you'd mail them before the show.
- Laura Petrie: Rob? Are you all right?
- Rob Petrie: [laughing continuously] I couldn't be worse.
- Millie Helper: Rob, what can I do?
- Rob Petrie: Take advantage of my temporary insanity and get out of here.
- [Millie runs out]
- Laura Petrie: [trying to comfort Rob] Darling...
- Rob Petrie: [unable to stop laughing] Don't touch me.
- Buddy Sorrell: Rob, listen to me. Steal the mail.
- Rob Petrie: I can't. It's dishonest.
- Buddy Sorrell: So I'LL Steal it.
- Rob Petrie: So it's still dishonest.
- Buddy Sorrell: No, I'll be like Robin Hood. I'll rob from the rich and give to the Rob.
- Rob Petrie: I wanna tell you that what-what may appear obvious on the, uh, surface may not be the same below the surface.
- Alan Brady: Yeah, Lloyd Bridges proved that, didn't he?
- Alan Brady: And you suggested that I appear on this program?
- Rob Petrie: Well, I wrote it for them Al, and they asked me for the greatest comedy mind in the country.
- Mel Cooley: Yes and that of course is you, Alan.
- Alan Brady: Mel, let him slice his own baloney.
- Mel Cooley: This is the first morning in 15 years he invited me to have coffee with him.
- Rob Petrie: And just because you recommended... you've never had coffee with him?
- Mel Cooley: He says I make him nauseous.
- Alan Brady: You sit up there in your ivory tower with your books and diplomas and you think you're smarter than me.
- Rob Petrie: No, I never said that.
- Alan Brady: Sure you do and so does Danny Dartmouth here.
- Mel Cooley: No, Princeton.
- Alan Brady: What's the difference and shut up.