The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
Uncle George (1963)
Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie
Quotes
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Uncle George : I'll bet you know a million women.
[Laura clears throat]
Rob Petrie : Well, uh... I, uh, know a few.
Uncle George : Well, wrap one up to go and bring her home tonight.
Rob Petrie : Uncle George, I just can't run out and grab a woman...
Uncle George : Now, listen, Robbie. When you were a little boy, did I ever deny you anything?
Rob Petrie : Well, no, not that I...
Uncle George : Ice cream, lollipops, anything you ever wanted?
Rob Petrie : Yeah, yeah...
Uncle George : Well... bring me a woman.
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Rob Petrie : D'you think Mrs. Glimscher would like a mustache?
Sally Rogers : No, I don't think so. She keeps shaving hers off.
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Rob Petrie : Herman, I wanna give you this straight: we brought your mother here to introduce her to a man.
Herman Glimscher : A man?
Sally Rogers : Mm.
Herman Glimscher : Who?
Laura Petrie : Well, it's Rob's Uncle George. He's visiting here form Danville and he wanted to meet some nice lady.
Sally Rogers : And we couldn't find any, so we invited your mother.
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Rob Petrie : Boy I wish I was one of those Danish doctors.
Laura Petrie : How would THAT help?
Rob Petrie : Well, it wouldn't, except I'd be in Denmark.
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[Rob and Buddy and Sally try to think of where they could find an elderly lady for Rob's widowed Uncle George to settle down with]
Rob Petrie : What about your Aunt Agnes?
Sally Rogers : Oh, no. You know what Aunt Agnes says about men.
Rob Petrie : No.
Sally Rogers : "Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house."
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Laura Petrie : Well, one big breakfast coming up.
Rob Petrie : Uh, bad choice of words, Honey.
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Herman Glimscher : Please, please, keep your voices down.
Rob Petrie : Are we shouting?
Herman Glimscher : No, but Mother's got marvelous ears. She hears everything.
Sally Rogers : Mm, I think she's got transistors in her teeth.
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Rob Petrie : Where is the best place to get hold of an elderly lady?
Buddy Sorrell : Well, there's the fireman's carry or you can grab 'em by the ankles
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Sally Rogers : Listen, you invite Herman and me to dinner tonight and she'll be there.
Rob Petrie : How can you be so sure she'll be there?
Sally Rogers : How can I be so sure? Listen, Herman was in the army, she joined the WACs just to be close to him, didn't she? She goes everywhere with him.
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Rob Petrie : My Uncle George is in town from Danville and he's going looking for a new wife. He wants me to go out and find him a single girl.
Sally Rogers : Well, you're lookin' at the king of the single girls.
Rob Petrie : He needs a girl who's single and mature.
Sally Rogers : Awww, thanks, Rob
Buddy Sorrell : Mature, hey, how about my mother-in-law? She's so mature, she can hardly stand up.
Rob Petrie : Your mother-in-law is married.
Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, but I'm sure my father-in-law would gladly step aside.
Sally Rogers : Hey Buddy, didn't your mother-in-law have a twin sister?
Buddy Sorrell : I hope not!