- Rob Petrie: Yeah, we can't find it. We turned that house inside out.
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I hope it don't rain.
- Rob Petrie: You know, I'm... I'm beginning to get a little angry.
- Laura Petrie: So am I. Millie and Jerry certainly ought to know we don't suspect them.
- Rob Petrie: Well, Buddy and Sally and Mel should know we don't suspect them. They also should know we don't think they took it.
- Laura Petrie: Then who took it?
- Rob Petrie: I don't know, but one of 'em did.
- [last lines]
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, if I'd had known a watch was *that* neat, I'd have stolen it myself.
- Rob Petrie: Hold it. 58, 59, 60! It's Tuesday in Bangkok.
- Jerry Helper: Big deal!
- Laura Petrie: It'll be Tuesday here before Sally arrives.
- Millie Helper: Yeah, where is she? I'm starved.
- Rob Petrie: Well, she said she had a surprise. She didn't want to come until she was sure everyone was here.
- Buddy Sorrell: I'm here, I'm here. I'm getting ready to leave already.
- Mel Cooley: I love it when he says things like that.
- Rob Petrie: [the doorbell rings] There she is.
- Millie Helper: Yay!
- Jerry Helper: It's about time.
- Mel Cooley: Where so you suppose she's been?
- Buddy Sorrell: I have no idea.
- Jerry Helper: Hey, where you been?
- Laura Petrie: Come on in.
- Sally Rogers: Wait, are you ready for the big surprise? I want you to meet my new date.
- [Mr. Evans enters]
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, what a dip.
- Rob Petrie: Sal, I'm glad you brought him here. Let's get him.
- [everyone lunges at Mr. Evans]
- Laura Petrie: Oh, those are pretty wild slippers.
- Rob Petrie: Wild, honey? They're still alive. Listen.
- [makes fast movements with his reet]
- Laura Petrie: Judging by debris, I'd say we had a very successful party.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah. Boy, what presents. This is even better than our wedding.
- Laura Petrie: What are you talking about? We got great presents at our wedding.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, but all these presents are mine.
- [imitates a samurai]
- Rob Petrie: Ha!
- Laura Petrie: Would you tell me why in the world Buddy gave you a samurai sword?
- Rob Petrie: Honey, Buddy shops at the war surplus store. It was either this or green underwear.
- Laura Petrie: What are you going to do with it?
- Rob Petrie: Well, I figure if I run out of blades, you know...
- [moves the sword in a shaving-like notion]
- Laura Petrie: Why don't you see if you can trade it in for green underwear?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah.
- Laura Petrie: You really did get some nice presents.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah.
- Laura Petrie: What was your favorite present?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, I think the stuffed cabbage Millie's mother sent.
- Laura Petrie: Oh!
- Rob Petrie: Oh, alright, honey, you know I liked the watch the best.
- Laura Petrie: Are you sure?
- Rob Petrie: Well, of course I'm sure. What a ridiculous question.
- Laura Petrie: Well, I mean, you hardly tried it on.
- Rob Petrie: Yes, I did, honey. The wristband was a little too loose, that's all. It kept sliding off my wrist.
- Laura Petrie: Oh. Well, it's adjustable, isn't it?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah. I need to take a couple of links out of it, that's all. I'll probably do it myself.
- Laura Petrie: No, don't, Rob, I don't want you to break it. Why don't you let a jeweler do it?
- Rob Petrie: It must be a pretty expensive watch with all those dials and dates and everything.
- Laura Petrie: Well, you deserve it.
- Rob Petrie: Hey, I'm gonna get it. It's almost midnight. We can watch it go from Thursday to Friday.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I knew you'd love that watch the minute I saw it. It tells the day of the week, the minute, the second. It tells the hour. It tells everything.
- Rob Petrie: Wish it could tell us where it was.
- Laura Petrie: What?
- Rob Petrie: It's gone.
- Rob Petrie: Well, I'm sorry, Buddy. The minute I missed my watch, I thought of you.
- Buddy Sorrell: That's funny. The minute I miss my bus, I don't think of YOU.
- Mel Cooley: Rob, you mean, you think *I* took your watch?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, no, Buddy just...
- Mel Cooley: WHY, YOU VICIOUS LITTLE BEAST!
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, you're beautiful when you're mad.
- Rob Petrie: Hold it, hold it, will you, guys? Will you? I do not suspect any of you taking my watch. If I've given you that impression, then I'm sorry.
- Mel Cooley: Oh, very well, but don't overlook the possibility of *that*!
- Buddy Sorrell: YOU THINK I'M A CROOK?
- Mel Cooley: THAT IS PROBABLY THE *NICEST* THING I'VE EVER THOUGHT OF YOU!
- [leaves the office in a rage, slamming the door behind him]
- Sally Rogers: Boy, is he mad.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, his scalp was standing on end.
- Mr. Evans: You know, this reminds me of a case I once handled where a woman had purchased some luggage for her husband at a discount house. They reported it stolen and tried to collect the full retail price.
- Rob Petrie: So?
- Mr. Evans: So it turned out it wasn't really stolen, but we got the real truth out of them after a while.
- Rob Petrie: Uh, Mr. Evans, why would this remind you of that?
- Mr. Evans: I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
- Laura Petrie: Hi!
- Millie Helper: I'm returning all the things I ever borrowed from you so you won't start saying I stole them.
- Laura Petrie: Millie, nobody ever said you stole anything.
- Millie Helper: Yeah, well, that guy Evans didn't come over to try a glass slipper on me.
- Laura Petrie: Evans was at your house?
- Millie Helper: Boy, I've never been so humiliated in my entire life.
- Laura Petrie: Millie, believe me, Rob and I told Mr. Evans that you couldn't possibly have done it.
- Millie Helper: What a third degree. You'd think I'd stolen some government secrets instead of Rob's watch. That's not what I mean.
- Laura Petrie: I know that.
- Millie Helper: Well, just the same, I want you to take all these things back.
- Laura Petrie: Millie, will you stop it?
- Millie Helper: No, you check them over. If that guy Evans comes over with a search warrant, I don't want him seeing your things in my house.
- [referring to a shoe]
- Millie Helper: Uh, the dog chewed up the other one, and I'll get you a new pair. You look them over.
- Laura Petrie: Millie, I will do no such thing.
- Millie Helper: No, look them over. I don't want anybody saying I have something that doesn't belong to me.
- Laura Petrie: All right, everything's here. Except my cheese grater.
- Millie Helper: Well, I gave that to Sadie Stein.
- Laura Petrie: You gave my cheese grater to Sadie Stein?
- Millie Helper: She said it was her cheese grater.
- Laura Petrie: It is her cheese grater.
- Millie Helper: None of us is perfect, Laura.
- Laura Petrie: Millie, I know I'm not perfect, and I also know that my very best friend isn't a thief.
- Millie Helper: Well, then you must have another very best friend, because boy, do I feel suspected.
- Laura Petrie: Okay, Millie, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Rob right now and have him fire the entire insurance company.
- Millie Helper: No, the damage is done, and you might shop around for a new dentist. Jerry's returning your X-rays.
- Laura Petrie: Millie!
- Rob Petrie: Honey, it's me.
- Millie Helper: Well, I'm going. I know Rob doesn't want to see me any more than I want to see him.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, well, now that's ridiculous.
- Rob Petrie: Honey... Oh, hi, Millie. Millie, uh, could I speak to Laura a minute, please?
- Millie Helper: Well, of course. You can't very well talk behind my back to my face, can you?
- Rob Petrie: What's she doing with Ritchie's wagon?
- [Millie sets the wagon down]
- Laura Petrie: I guess you're wondering what caused that.
- Rob Petrie: I know what caused that. Evans. Boy, is he fast. He shouldn't be in the insurance, he ought to be in the Olympics. Mel's mad me. Buddy, Sally.
- Laura Petrie: I am so sorry I ever had that party.
- Rob Petrie: [at dinner] This is good, whatever it is.
- Laura Petrie: Told you, chicken paprikash. Laslo at the garage gave me the recipe.
- Rob Petrie: Mm. No wonder it tastes greasy.
- Laura Petrie: Rob. I'm the last friend you've got. Don't push me.
- Rob Petrie: [Buddy and Sally enter the office] Hi, gang, what's the good word?
- Sally Rogers: Well, let's see, how does fink grab ya?
- Rob Petrie: Fink?
- Buddy Sorrell: Come on, Sal, sit down. Be uncomfortable.
- Rob Petrie: What are you two guys all steamed up about?
- Buddy Sorrell: Go ahead, tell him.
- Sally Rogers: I would if I was talking to him.
- Rob Petrie: Why aren't you taking me?
- Buddy Sorrell: Because we're talking to that clown from the insurance company.
- Rob Petrie: What clown?
- Buddy Sorrell: Big chief knife-in-the-back. Your hatchet man, Mr. Evans.
- Rob Petrie: Evans questioned you guys?
- Sally Rogers: Would you like to see the bamboo shoots under my fingernails? Hell, I so mad, I didn't even ask that rot if he was single.
- Rob Petrie: Oh. Why did he have to do that?
- Sally Rogers: What do you got planned for your guests next time, Rob? Malaria?
- Rob Petrie: You don't think I asked Evans to question ya, do ya?
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh, no. He just picked our names at random out of the phone book.
- Rob Petrie: Look, I am not accusing any of the suspects. Oh boy, this is...
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, we got a nasty word for people who are suspicious like you.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah. What is it?
- Buddy Sorrell: Suspicious!
- Sally Rogers: That's not so nasty.
- Buddy Sorrell: You're right. It needs work.
- Rob Petrie: You guys got it all wrong. You don't think for a minute I suspect you.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, I don't think for a minute. I've only been thinking it the past 12 hours.
- [Mel enters]
- Rob Petrie: Hi, Mel, how are you?
- Mel Cooley: Mortified, hurt, shocked, and deeply disappointed.
- Rob Petrie: What is it, Mel?
- Mel Cooley: Your bald-headed assassin came to see me last night.
- Rob Petrie: Mel, please believe me...
- Mel Cooley: Never again.
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, he got some nerve sending a guy to investigate a man of stature.
- Mel Cooley: What are you being nice to me for?
- Buddy Sorrell: Cause I can only hate on guy at a time.
- [points at Rob]
- Rob Petrie: Mel, you got to believe I did not send Evans to visit you.
- Mel Cooley: Visit? Attack would be more like it.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, Mel, I'm sorry.
- Mel Cooley: And why did you have to send him on the night we were entertaining our minister?
- Laura Petrie: Everyone will come except the crook.
- Rob Petrie: Hey that's right. He never does in the movies, does he? That's not a bad idea to have anther little party.
- Laura Petrie: It might be interesting to see who doesn't show up.
- Laura Petrie: Well, I called Buddy, Sal, Mel, Jerry, and Millie.
- Rob Petrie: Anybody turn us down?
- Laura Petrie: Buddy, Sal, Mel, Jerry, and Millie.
- Rob Petrie: Well that does it. They all took it. It's a syndicate.