- Mr. Kinnevy: Wait a minute. You're a kid.
- Douglas 'Doogie' Howser: True, but I'm also a genius. If you have a problem with that, I can get you an older doctor who's not as smart as me.
- Mr. Kinnevy: So, doc, I'm using the power saw, this killer redhead walks by. Next thing I know, I've only got nine fingers.
- Douglas 'Doogie' Howser: Yeah, I like redheads too. Do we have his thumb?
- Fiona Wilkes: [Doogie's preschool teacher] To tell you the truth, I never saw anything special in the boy. He constantly questioned my authority. He was never neat and tidy. He refused to color inside the lines. He ate paste. I've never had a three-year-old call me a bureaucrat before.
- Vinnie Delpino: My video class teacher said pick a subject you find totally fascinating, so I picked you.
- Dr. Doogie Howser: Well, I find you fascinating, too, in a very demented, bizarre sort of way.
- Megan: Is there kissing in this movie?
- Dr. Doogie Howser: Anything Vinnie's involved in gets to that eventually.
- Dr. Doogie Howser: Vinnie...
- Vinnie Delpino: I'm almost done!
- Dr. Doogie Howser: No, you're not almost done. You're completely done. Fade out. The end. Goodbye.
- Dr. Doogie Howser: [after Vinnie catches him in the shower] Hey! What are you doing?
- Vinnie Delpino: Hey! You got a chest hair! You didn't tell me you had a chest hair!
- Dr. Doogie Howser: Get out of here! What are you doing?
- Vinnie Delpino: Doogie, if this is gonna work, you gotta keep your hands off my equipment.
- Vinnie Delpino: Any chance you gotta use the john?
- Dr. Doogie Howser: Go! Get lost!
- Vinnie Delpino: Ooh, I like that. Tell me to get lost again, only this time, have fun wtih it.
- Dr. Doogie Howser: I don't think you're listening to me.
- Vinnie Delpino: No, because you're not telling me what I wanna hear. It's a technique I use with my mother. I find it very effective.
- [Doogie sprays shaving cream over Vinnie's camera lens]
- Vinnie Delpino: I wonder if Spielberg had these problems.