- Marie Barone: [the front door swings open showing Robert with a look of crazed fury on his face, startling everyone] How did your interview go?
- Robert Barone: Come here. Let me tell you about it.
- Marie Barone: Didn't it go well?
- Robert Barone: Oh, it was going okay, and then Agent Garfield read me a letter about crazy Robert in his lucky suit.
- Debra Barone: What?
- Marie Barone: I never said crazy.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ma, what did you do?
- Robert Barone: She faxed the FBI a letter about how she ruined my lucky suit.
- Marie Barone: I wasn't sure it went through; it's the first time I ever used a fax machine.
- Debra Barone: Marie, why don't you go into the kitchen? Robert, how about you stay here and... maybe blink a few times?
- Robert Barone: Why would you do it? Why would you send a letter? The guy looked at me like I was a pathetic, candy-ass mama's boy.
- Marie Barone: Well, then he seems awfully critical.
- Robert Barone: HE'S THE FBI, MA! I WASN'T APPLYING FOR A JOB AT THE GAP!
- Debra Barone: Marie come into the kitchen. Robert maybe you should stay here and try blinking a few times
- Secretary: [Robert is at a job interview for a position in the FBI] This fax came for you, sir.
- [She hands Agent Garfield a piece of paper and walks out]
- Robert Barone: So, as I was saying...
- Agent Garfield: Is this a joke?
- Robert Barone: Excuse me?
- Agent Garfield: "Dear FBI Agent Garfield. "I'm writing to ask for your understanding. "You have an interview this morning with my son, Robert Barone. I think you will find Robert to be an exceptional candidate for the job. He is hard-working, brave, and handsome.
- [Agent Garfield stops and looks at Robert, possibly to assess his looks]
- Agent Garfield: But I feel I have hurt his chances somewhat. You see, he has a lucky suit. And while I was ironing this morning, I ruined it. He was very upset, so he might be a little distracted. Please don't hold this against him. If anything, blame me. I don't mind, I'm used to it. Of course, it's also my other son Raymond Barone's fault. He's a famous sportswriter. Perhaps you've heard of him. But mostly, I'm to blame. I only wanted Robert to look his best. Thank you for understanding. Sincerely, Marie Barone."
- [Robert clears his throat]
- Agent Garfield: "P. S."
- Robert Barone: Oh, God.
- Agent Garfield: "Please ask Robert to forgive me. I tried, but it'll mean more coming from you."
- [He puts down the letter and looks at Robert]
- Agent Garfield: Please forgive your mother.
- Marie Barone: [on sabotaging Robert] He was supposed to retire! He's a year away from not being a police officer, which means I could stop worrying about him every second of the day. I want him to be safe. Now he wants to go from one dangerous job to another? How long do I have to walk around with a knot in my stomach? For ever? I can't do it anymore. It's too much.
- Marie Barone: All right, let me tell you something. My Robbie's too good for you. That's right. He's too good for this place, and maybe you could use a lucky suit, because that's a horrible color on you. And your wife does look like your mother!
- Marie Barone: You're upset because you feel your interview didn't go as well as it could, and I'm sorry, too. But that doesn't give you the right to lash out at me.
- Robert Barone: [somewhere between a scream and a growl] LISTEN TO ME, WOMAN!
- [normal voice]
- Robert Barone: Now, if this was the only time that you ever screwed me up, I just would have gone home and said, "Oh, that Mom..." But this is just the latest in your psychotic series of attempts to keep me down!
- Marie Barone: I know you understand what I mean. You have a picture of your mother on your desk.
- Agent Garfield: That's my wife.
- Marie Barone: A handsome woman.
- Marie Barone: Hello, Robbie.
- Robert Barone: Hey.
- Marie Barone: May I come in? I made you cookies. Double chocolate chip.
- Robert Barone: Thank you.
- Marie Barone: You know, I was thinking about what you said.
- Robert Barone: Uh-huh.
- Marie Barone: About me sabotaging you. And although I'm not crazy about the word "sabotage," um, maybe I understand now what you meant.
- Robert Barone: Oh, yeah?
- Marie Barone: Yes. After you said it, I went for a drive. Um, and I stopped at that diner on Roosevelt Boulevard for a cup of coffee and some banana cream pie. And all of a sudden, I thought, "My gosh, maybe Robbie is right."
- Robert Barone: Really?
- Marie Barone: It just hit me all of a sudden.
- Robert Barone: Really? At a diner? Over banana cream pie?
- Marie Barone: It's funny how the mind works.
- Robert Barone: It didn't happen at the FBI office of Agent Tom Garfield about 35 minutes ago?
- [There is a long pause]
- Marie Barone: No, I think it was the diner.
- Robert Barone: Ma.
- Marie Barone: All right, so I went to visit him. Love makes you do crazy things sometimes. Banana cream pie How did you find out?
- Robert Barone: He called me.
- Marie Barone: What? How dare he stick his nose into my business!
- Robert Barone: Look, Ma, he told me what you said.
- Marie Barone: Well, he's a liar.
- Robert Barone: Look, Ma he told me how you feel about my job.
- Marie Barone: Well, I'm sorry. I can't help it.
- Robert Barone: I know. Thanks.
- Marie Barone: So, you going to work now?
- Robert Barone: Yep.
- Marie Barone: Well, then, you...
- Robert Barone: I'll be careful. Come on, I'll walk you to your car.
- Marie Barone: Listen, just so you know I didn't make everything up, I really did stop for pie.
- Robert Barone: That's okay.
- Marie Barone: But it was coconut. I don't know why I changed it.
- Robert Barone: Oh, come on, Deb, come on! You know how she is! Now's your chance. Tell her how you feel! It's time to rise up and cast off the shackles!
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Easy there, Spartacus.