Family Guy (TV Series)

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (2001)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Female Hipster, Julie, Grandma, Mrs. Claus

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [fed up with one mishap after another]  So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents - and while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to Hell!

• Lois Griffin : Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.

  Peter Griffin : All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

• Lois Griffin : Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

  Brian Griffin : Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?

  Lois Griffin : "Don we now our gay apparel."

  Brian Griffin : [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater]  Doesn't get much gayer than this.

• Lois Griffin : Stewie, honey, time for bed. You have a big day tomorrow, Baby Jesus.

  Stewie Griffin : Trust me, woman, if I could walk on water, I would stroll you out to the middle of a lake and hold your head under until the bubbles stopped!

  Lois Griffin : Ooh, somebody's being naughty, not nice. You know, Santa's watching you.

  Stewie Griffin : What the devil do you mean "watching"?

  Lois Griffin : Well, honey, Santa's making a list and checking it twice.

  Meg Griffin : He sees you when you're sleeping.

  Chris Griffin : And he knows when you're awake. I almost caught him last year, but he's magic.

  Stewie Griffin : [jumping out of Lois' arms and pacing around]  Constant surveillance of every child on Earth... impossible! Unless...

  [spotting a Santa-shaped ornament on the tree] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hidden cameras. Oh, very clever! Watching to see if I'm naughty, are you?

  [dropping his pants and mooning the ornament] 

  Stewie Griffin : Well, check this twice!

• Lois Griffin : I need you to take the presents out of the trunk.

  Brian : [Peter sits down on the couch]  Aren't you gonna do it?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's already done. I dropped 'em all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.

  Brian : All? Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.

  Peter Griffin : No, the rest were *from* the family. Weren't... weren't they? Aw, crap. Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?

  Brian : I think they had a meeting about it last night.

  Peter Griffin : Why wasn't I told?

  Brian : They sent you a card, but it said "For Peter" on it, so you must've thought it was "from" you, so you didn't, uh... you know, it's just easier to call you stupid.

• Quagmire : Hey, Peter.

  Cleveland Brown : [wearing a reindeer-antler deerstalker]  Hi, I'm Prancer.

  Lois Griffin : Hey, why don't you take Joe along?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, that'll be about as much fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : What?

  Lois Griffin : Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit. For me? Please?

  Peter Griffin : All right, all right. But you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe. Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

• Lois Griffin : [kissing Peter]  That's for letting Joe join in your reindeer games. Now, you go relax while I make my little Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

  Peter Griffin : If I'm sleeping, just stuff 'em in my mouth and rub my throat.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and you still haven't gotten us a tree.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I told you I'm on dips o' luscious vacation. What part of that don't you understand?

• Stewie Griffin : [waking from a nightmare about Santa]  Oh, it's just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself!

  [covering his eyes, then peeking] 

  Stewie Griffin : See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me.

  [he starts humming nervously, then pulls up his crib sheets and tears Rupert apart] 

  Stewie Griffin : All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!

  Lois Griffin : [from her bedroom]  Stewie, go to sleep.

  Stewie Griffin : This doesn't involve you, Lois!

  Lois Griffin : I don't want to have to come in there.

  Stewie Griffin : I don't want to have to come in *there*!

• Lois Griffin : Must... kill... star!

• Lois Griffin : You all think Christmas just happens! You all think good will just falls from the frickin' sky! Well, it doesn't. It falls out my holly jolly butt!