Frasier (TV Series)

A Lilith Thanksgiving (1996)

Paxton Whitehead: Dr. Campbell

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Campbell : I don't know how this started, I can only be sure it started with the two of you.

  Lilith : Actually...

  Dr. Campbell : I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you again.

  [They look heartbroken] 

  Dr. Campbell : Unfortunately, there is only one way I can think of to ensure that: your son Frederick is hereby admitted to the Marbury School.

  Frasier : [They are both ecstatic]  Oh!

  Dr. Campbell : [holds up a hand]  However! - he will immediately be expelled if either of you violates any of the following conditions: you will not bring him to school, you will not collect him; you will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events, or school functions, up to and including "Frederick Crane Day," should we ever have one.

  [He leads them to the door] 

  Dr. Campbell : And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate envoy with a video camera. And now it is with great pleasure that I bid you goodbye - forever!

  Frasier : Allow me.

  Lilith , Frasier : [He slams the door on himself and Lilith. Cut to the porch as Lilith and Frasier look at each other smugly]  We're in!

• Dr. Campbell : And now, if you don't mind, I have guests on the way. And a turkey so undercooked, a skilled veterinarian could still save him.

• Dr. Campbell : [after Frasier and Lilith have given him an envelope containing a check in order to get Frederick accepted into Campbell's school]  I'll have you know that in 22 years, I have never accepted a bribe. I have to tell you, I find this utterly offensive.

  [He takes out the check and looks at the amount] 

  Dr. Campbell : In every possible way.

• Dr. Campbell : Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way, just as soon as you've found the cufflink given to you by Haile Selassie.