- [Niles is preparing Thanksgiving turkey in Lilith's kitchen]
- Niles: Where do you keep your saffron?
- Lilith: Third cupboard.
- Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?
- Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
- Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?
- Dr. Campbell: I don't know how this started, I can only be sure it started with the two of you.
- Lilith: Actually...
- Dr. Campbell: I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you again.
- [They look heartbroken]
- Dr. Campbell: Unfortunately, there is only one way I can think of to ensure that: your son Frederick is hereby admitted to the Marbury School.
- Frasier: [They are both ecstatic] Oh!
- Dr. Campbell: [holds up a hand] However! - he will immediately be expelled if either of you violates any of the following conditions: you will not bring him to school, you will not collect him; you will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events, or school functions, up to and including "Frederick Crane Day," should we ever have one.
- [He leads them to the door]
- Dr. Campbell: And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate envoy with a video camera. And now it is with great pleasure that I bid you goodbye - forever!
- Frasier: Allow me.
- Lilith, Frasier: [He slams the door on himself and Lilith. Cut to the porch as Lilith and Frasier look at each other smugly] We're in!
- Martin: Why does Lilith have to tag along anyway?
- Frasier: Well, she just didn't want to spend the holiday alone. Her husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano.
- Martin: Well why couldn't she go with him?
- Niles: Well because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
- [Niles and Martin laugh]
- Frasier: [Not amused] As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury.
- Martin: Guys, let it go. Nobody's gonna win this one.
- Dr. Campbell: And now, if you don't mind, I have guests on the way. And a turkey so undercooked, a skilled veterinarian could still save him.
- Dr. Campbell: [after Frasier and Lilith have given him an envelope containing a check in order to get Frederick accepted into Campbell's school] I'll have you know that in 22 years, I have never accepted a bribe. I have to tell you, I find this utterly offensive.
- [He takes out the check and looks at the amount]
- Dr. Campbell: In every possible way.
- Dr. Campbell: Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way, just as soon as you've found the cufflink given to you by Haile Selassie.
- Martin: What's wrong?
- Niles: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.
- Martin: Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard.
- Niles: Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.
- [Roz is house-sitting for Frasier]
- Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why.
- Roz: I don't know how you live with him.
- Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him.
- Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine.
- Daphne: Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself.
- [they laugh and clink glasses]
- Lilith: Frasier, if you over-analyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again.
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Does my makeup look okay?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well you could use a pinch.
- Dr. Lilith Sternin: Do I have time to touch up?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No no, a pinch.
- [reaches over and pinches Lilith's cheeks]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: There.
- Frasier: My God, are you half as nervous as I am?
- Lilith: And then some.
- Frasier: We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?
- Lilith: Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
- Frasier: I'll assume you meant the Valium.
- Lilith: Perhaps before the interview, you should sheath that butter-knife sharp wit of yours.
- Frasier: Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that butt of yours a notch or two!
- Frederick Crane: [licking the spoon] Uh oh, are there anchovies in this?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Yeessss,
- [turns around and sees Freddie broken out]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh my God! I've never seen hives break out that fast.
- [car pulls up outside]
- Dr. Niles Crane: They're back!
- Martin Crane: Uh Freddie, do you have any pills for this?
- Frederick Crane: I've got pills for *everything*.