Frasier (TV Series)

A Mid-Winter Night's Dream (1994)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Frasier : [Niles and Daphne are alone in his house]  My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!

• Frasier : Actually, Roz, there's some advice I need.

  Roz Doyle : [moody]  About what?

  Frasier : A subject in which you're quite well-versed, sex.

  Roz Doyle : [brightly]  How can I help you?

• Frasier : What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?

  Roz Doyle : I get dressed and go home.

• Niles : The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.

  Frasier : Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?

  Niles : You mean, boudoir wise?

  Frasier : For starters, yeah.

  Niles : Like how?

  Frasier : Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.

• Niles : Just remember that she can't have shellfish... poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG, or dairy. Did I say nuts?

  Frasier : Oh, I think that's implied.

• [Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out] 

  Niles : There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.

  Frasier : All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.

  Niles : Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.

  Martin : Dressed like that?

  Niles : Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?

  Frasier : STOP!

• Frasier : Oh hi, Roz, how are you?

  Roz Doyle : [annoyed tone]  Do you really want to know how I am, or are you just making conversation? Because if you really want to know how I am, I'll *tell* you.

  Frasier : Well, I was just making conversation.

• Roz Doyle : My point is, that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.

  Frasier : Roz, this is not for me, this is for my brother, Niles.

  Roz Doyle : Oh! Well, in that case, make it a gladiola.

• Frasier : All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship. What would you do to keep things cooking?

  Roz Doyle : Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we pretended we were strangers picking each other up. Actually that was kinda hot.

  Frasier : So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing?

  Roz Doyle : Yeah. In fact, we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the next time he got so into it he went home with another woman.

  Frasier : I'm sorry.

  Roz Doyle : Oh hell, she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone home with her.

• [Frasier's phone rings, and the answering machine picks up] 

  Frasier : Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.

  [beep] 

  Niles : Frasier... Frasier? I'm having a little crisis here. Actually a large crisis. It's no time to screen calls... Damn!

  [hangs up]