- Dr. Niles Crane: If, uh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Why?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible, so I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.
- Daphne Moon: [talking of cosmetic surgery] Oh, I know just what you mean, Dr. Crane. I fell victim to that pressure myself once. I had a mole removed.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Where?
- Daphne Moon: Just south of Manchester.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I meant where on your body.
- Daphne Moon: So did I.
- Martin Crane: I got twice the guts he has, and after his surgery tomorrow, I'll have 4 times the guts.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier. What are you doing here?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course I did have to resort to cheap, manipulative pseudo-psychology.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Always go to your strengths.
- Martin Crane: Why do animals always drag these kinds of things into the house?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: What is it, a rat?
- Martin Crane: Worse.
- [Eddie runs in with a Barbie in his mouth]
- Martin Crane: He found a doll in the park the other day and all he does is carry it around in his mouth. He never did these kinds of things until you got him fixed.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [about Maris] She hasn't had much experience in hospitals aside from the normal childhood things: tonsils, adenoids... force feeding.
- Martin Crane: Oh, all right, it was worse than any of that.
- [pause]
- Martin Crane: He told people... I cried at "Brian's Song."
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [dryly] Dear God. You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own.
- Martin Crane: Look, can we drop this? Artie obviously still has an attitude and I've got better things to do than sit around a hospital room taking abuse.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [realizing] Oh God, I'm due back with Maris.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I still remember him
- [Artie Walsh]
- Dr. Niles Crane: inviting us to his house for weenie roasts when we were kids.
- [laughs]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sure he remembers you too, asking for salad nicoise!
- Martin Crane: [about fishing with Artie] One time I reeled in what eventually turned out to be an old bedroom slipper. You know what he did? He just ripped it off the hook and tossed it onto the grill.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [on the phone with Maris] Yes, I'm sure, no, you can't gain weight from a glucose IV.
- [laughs]
- Dr. Niles Crane: No my little worry-wart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip.
- Daphne Moon: What's wrong with Mrs. Crane?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it's nothing serious. Cosmetic surgery. Her chin, her lips, her cheeks, her eyelids...
- Martin Crane: Maybe it'd be faster if you just told us what she's leaving alone.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [answering the phone] Hello? Yes, it is.
- [pause, then in morbid tones]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I see. Yes, well, I guess it isn't really a shock, considering. Yes, I'm sure they did everything they could. Thank you.
- Martin Crane: [Frasier hangs up] What was that?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [quietly] We'll talk about it later, Dad.
- Martin Crane: [worried] Is everything okay?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Why do you ask?
- Martin Crane: Well, I don't know. You saying, "I'm sorry" and stuff like "I'm sure you did everything you could" and it's natural to be concerned.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You thought that call was about Artie, didn't you?
- Martin Crane: No!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, you did!
- Martin Crane: So what if I did?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it just proves my point - you still care about him!
- Martin Crane: All right, so suppose I do care about him. Suppose I do feel bad about this stupid fight and want it over. What the hell can I do?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's up to you. But if you like, I could drive you down to the hospital.
- Martin Crane: I don't need you to lead me. I can drive myself.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, you can't.
- Martin Crane: Why not?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That was your mechanic. Your transmission's dead.