- Niles: This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today. Okay, Roz, who's my first caller?
- Daphne: Oh now, Dr. Crane, I really don't think you're in any shape...
- Frasier: Thank you! But the moment I give a fig for what you think is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class bottle of wine, and a car that has a decent electrical system!
- Daphne: [furious] You know, being a health-care provider, I try to be sympathetic towards my patients. But I have reached the end of my tether with you, Doctor! You are by far the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centered, whiny fusspot I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with! I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate, and a damn sight more jolly too! As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets until you're one giant bedsore!
- Frasier: Are you done?
- Daphne: [calming down somewhat] Yes.
- Frasier: Then scurry on down to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
- Robert: Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: And your name is...?
- Robert: My name is Robert.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
- [disconnects him]
- Roz Doyle: [on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [takes another call] Who is this?
- Janice: I'm Janice.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Janice, what's your problem?
- Janice: Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Boring!
- [disconnects her]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!
- Marjorie: Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
- Marjorie: Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."
- Dr. Frasier Crane: "Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
- Marjorie: Hey, that was great!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...
- [Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]
- Niles: Frasier, I think that fever of yours is making you delusional.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no! I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group!
- Niles: [heading into the bathroom] I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
- Niles: [re-entering the room] Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Then you're not going to do my show?
- Niles: [defiantly] No, I AM going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever DREAMED of doing it!
- Daphne Moon: You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
- Daphne Moon: Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.
- Martin Crane: [telling Frasier about the sickest he ever was] What am I talking about? How could I forget the time your mother left the potato salad in the trunk of the car?
- Martin Crane: Well, at least I had a real job. Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves! If you don't show up, who's going to notice?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Gee, I'm sorry, Blake. When I told you to close your eyes and visualize that you were on a tropical island, I didn't realize you were calling from your car phone.
- Martin Crane: That wasn't the sickest I ever was. It was when your mother and I took that trip to Mexico. I'm real careful about not drinking the water, then I eat this little piece of lettuce, next thing I know I'm spewing both for accuracy and trajectory. I remember being huddled up on a stone floor screaming 'I wanna die! I wanna die!'
- Dr. Frasier Crane: What a shame that would've been, you wouldn't be here now telling me this.
- Daphne Moon: He really is sick.
- Martin Crane: Hey, you want to talk sick? World's Fair, 1962. The Tilt-A-Whirl was right next to A Little Piece of India.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Don't worry, Dad. As you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work." Took kind of an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [listlessly] Morning, Dad, Daphne.
- Martin Crane: Frasier, you sound awful!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [unconvincingly] It's just a little bug.
- Daphne Moon: But you can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!
- Martin Crane: And coming from an English person, that's bad!