Photos
Quotes
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Frasier : I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn".
Martin : Oh, don't tell me... a bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
Frasier : Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
Dr. Niles Crane : So we can stop wondering.
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Frasier : Now, listen, your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor. What was it the Yale Daily News said about your Tartuffe?
Dr. Niles Crane : That I have the magnetism of Marlon Brando, the charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier.
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Dr. Niles Crane : [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane : ... German.
Dr. Niles Crane : Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane : When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz : [In an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane : Be quiet, Mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane : Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[Angrily]
Dr. Niles Crane : I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave.
[Fed up with Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane : Okay, that's it. Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane : So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[Two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane : Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo!* Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets?
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane : Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane : What was your name again, dear?
Roz : Ms. Thorndyke...
Dr. Niles Crane : [Fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing
[Fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane : . And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me
[Fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane : .
Dr. Niles Crane : [Weakly] HA.
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Dr. Niles Crane : [as the German butler, Hans] All right, all right, it's true! I'm not what I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler; I'm not even...
[in normal voice]
Dr. Niles Crane : ...German. Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you.
[Frasier is directing Niles, to Niles' dismay]
Dr. Niles Crane : When we're finished, you'll know the full, dark tale.
Roz : [in an odd voice] Are you sure we should, Hans?
Dr. Niles Crane : Be quiet, mother!
[Frasier cues organ music and continues directing Niles]
Dr. Niles Crane : Mother and I moved here after the tragic death of my father.
[as Frasier directs, Niles gets more and more frustrated]
Dr. Niles Crane : I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a... serpent... coiled within a... dark... cave. Okay, that's it! Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane : So long, O'Toole; I guess we'll never get to hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
[two fake gunshots]
Dr. Niles Crane : Or yours, Kraegan and *Peppo*! Could the McCallister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane : Thank you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Niles Crane : What was your name again, dear?
Roz : Mrs. Thorndyke.
Dr. Niles Crane : [fake gunshot] Thank you. Oh, and also Mr. Wing.
[fake gunshot, and sound of muted bell on Mr. Wing's hat]
Dr. Niles Crane : And, of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me.
[fake gunshot]
Dr. Niles Crane : [weakly] HA.
