Frasier (TV Series)

Mixed Doubles (1996)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• Niles : Look, I know I don't have your total support in this, but... how shall I put this?

  Frasier : You don't care?

  Niles : If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.

• Daphne : Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls "The Sure Thing."

  Frasier : How flattering: They've named a bar after her.

• Martin : What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the paint?

  [pause] 

  Frasier : Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.

  Martin : [rolls his eyes]  You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...

  Frasier : Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's "Pagliacci." You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.

• [Niles and Adelle drop by to pick up their opera tickets] 

  Frasier : Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?

  Adelle Childs : That'd be nice.

  Frasier : Splendid! It'll give me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set. Each cup bears a portrait of a different wife of Henry VIII. My antiques scout just found an Anne of Cleves to complete the set!

  Martin : He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a Wilma to complete my juice glass set.

• Niles : [in Cafe Nervosa, seeing Rodney enter with Adelle]  The betrayal! Nobody treats Daphne that way!

  Frasier : Niles, be careful. Whatever you do, don't engage him in a physical fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!

• Niles : The fact is, I'm tired of being lonely, and it makes no sense going on being lonely, when the woman I long for is unattached.

  Frasier : Yes. Well, as I said to you the time you tried to jump out of the treehouse with an umbrella: "I suppose you know what you're doing."

• Niles : She's fabulous. I know it's only been three dates, but I feel as though I've been rescued. I no longer have to worry about becoming one of those pitiful losers, embittered by a failed marriage, leading a lonely, pathetic life of...

  [Frasier glares at Niles] 

  Niles : ...fulfillment and good times!

  Frasier : Shouldn't you make a beeping noise when you back up like that?

• Roz Doyle : Now, Daphne. If the jewelry wasn't that good, and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost, here?

  Frasier : Roz weighs in with the Gabor approach to therapy.

• Frasier : Niles, before you do something rash, you should consider it from all angles.

  Niles : I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.

• Martin , Frasier : [They both go into the kitchen, shocked at how much Niles and Rodney mirror each other]  What the hell was that?

• Frasier : [answering the phone]  Hello? Oh, just a second, please. Dad, is Daphne in her room?

  Martin : Gee, I don't know.

  [yelling] 

  Martin : DAPHNE! HEY, DAPH! DAPHNE!

  Frasier : For God's sake, I can yell!

  [into phone] 

  Frasier : Would you hold, please?

  Martin : I've been waiting thirty years to do that.

• Daphne : Isn't Rodney just great? You know, I think it was the moment I broke up with Joe that I heard a voice saying, "Daphne, it's time you went for a completely new type of man."

  Niles : [Daphne leaves. Niles grabs a spatula]  You're a dead man!

  [lunges at Frasier and is blocked by Martin] 

  Frasier : Let's serve our guests their coffee!

  [Frasier and Martin carry cups of coffee out to the living room] 

  Frasier : Here we are, coffee. Milk's on its way; Niles is still steaming.

• Frasier : You do have a wonderful new woman in your life now, don't you?

  Niles : Yes, I suppose I do.

  Frasier : And Adelle does make you very happy, doesn't she?

  Niles : Yes. Yes, she does.

  Frasier : Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before, take this: Adelle could very well be the path to your happiness.

  [sees Adelle and Rodney kissing behind Niles' back] 

  Frasier : But let's just say I'm wrong.

• Frasier : [At the Café Nervosa, talking to Niles]  Well, then, if you've ever taken any of my advice before, take this: Adelle may very well be the path to your happiness.

  Frasier : [Frasier sees Adelle comes in with Rodney]  But let's say I'm wrong...

  Niles : But, but you're not wrong. Adelle is a wonderful, affectionate woman. She's clearly drawn to a man of my type. Just thinking about her lifts my spirits. Frasier... thank you.

  Frasier : [Pointing to Adelle and Rodney]  Niles, look.

  Niles : [Angered]  I don't believe it! The betrayal! No one treats Daphne like that!

  Frasier : Niles! Whatever you do, do not engage him in a physical fight. The whole thing would just look too weird!

  Niles : Hello, Adelle.

  Adelle Childs : [startled]  Oh no.

  Rodney Banks : I know this may look a tad incriminating, but the truth is...

  Niles : Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay. I know exactly what's going on here, I saw the whole thing from my table.

  Adelle Childs : I was going to call you. You see, Rodney and I... I'm sorry.

  Niles : So am I, Adelle. But I'm mainly sorry for Daphne. How do you intend to handle that small matter?

  Rodney Banks : I was planning on telling her this evening at Granville's. We're meeting for drinks.

  Niles : Granville's. Why don't you do her a favor? Let me tell her. It might be better coming from a friend.

  Rodney Banks : [Clasping Adelle's hand affectionately]  Yes, perhaps you're right. Please tell her that I'm sorry. Sometimes, when a man meets the woman that he's meant to be with, there's nothing he can do to resist it. I hope Daphne understands that.

  Niles : I hope she understands it too.

  Frasier : [Niles leaves the café. Frasier is about to leave]  Rodney. Adelle.

  Frasier : [Pausing]  You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney: do you have an older brother?

  Rodney Banks : As a matter of fact, I do. He's always been the pride of the family - handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always been rather jealous of him.

  Frasier : [as he leaves]  Spooky.

• Rodney Banks : Nothing smells quite so heavenly as a freshly brewed cup of coffee. Well, perhaps one thing does.

  Daphne : [Rodney smells Daphne's hair. She laughs]  Oh, stop that! He just loves to smell my hair!

  Frasier : [There's a crash from the kitchen, where Niles is. Frasier fears he's broken one of his Henry VIII's wives coffee cups]  Anne Boleyn?

  Niles : [off camera]  Catherine of Aragon.

• Frasier : [Frasier is looking through the telescope. Niles fidgets beside him. Martin is reading the paper in his Armchair]  Oh my God... breathtaking.

  Niles : Well, don't be greedy! Your turn was over forty seconds ago!

  Frasier : All right, all right, Niles, all right.

  [steps away] 

  Frasier : It's the penthouse unit, fourth from the left.

  Niles : [looking]  Oh, mama!

  Martin : You two know that what you're doing isn't right, don't you?

  Frasier : We're simply admiring a very rare Brancusi armchair, not a naked woman.

  Martin : That's what I'm talking about.

• Martin Crane : [Frasier and Eddie are seated opposite each other at the dinner table, having a stare-down contest. Martin enters]  You're wasting your time.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, I'm not.

  Martin Crane : You're not gonna win.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It's time he learned what it's like to be stared at all the time. Bring it on, Buster, you got nothing. You can't touch me, I'm - Gaah!

  [breaks away, clutching his eyes] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It's like his eyes turned into sorcerer's pinwheels and started spinning!