Frasier (TV Series)

Perspectives on Christmas (1997)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Martin Crane : [Martin talking on the phone about Christmas pageant as Daphne, who thinks he's dying, enters]  Well, you know, I'm terrified about this, Father. All this came around so sudden. I'm not prepared. Now tell me again what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time?

  [Daphne fights back tears] 

• Martin Crane : Oh hi, Daphne!

  Daphne Moon : [brave smile]  Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.

  Martin Crane : Oh, Great!

  Daphne Moon : Why don't you open it now?

  Martin Crane : Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out.

  [Daphne starts to cry] 

  Martin Crane : Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!

  Martin Crane : [pulls gaudy sweater out of gift bag]  Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now!

  [Daphne bursts into tears] 

  Martin Crane : Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?

  Daphne Moon : Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!

  Martin Crane : You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?

  Daphne Moon : Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!

  Martin Crane : Well, yes! I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.

  Daphne Moon : [He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, crying]  So... how much time have you got?

  Martin Crane : Uh, about twenty minutes.

  Daphne Moon : Twenty minutes?

  Martin Crane : Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!

  Daphne Moon : You're in a Christmas pageant?

  Martin Crane : Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?

  Daphne Moon : I thought you were dying!

  Martin Crane : What?

  Daphne Moon : Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time.

  [Martin starts to laugh] 

  Daphne Moon : Why are you laughing?

  Martin Crane : Well, it's funny!

  Daphne Moon : I don't think it's so bloody funny!

  Martin Crane : Are you kidding?

  [acts as if hanged] 

  Martin Crane : Oh, I'm dying!

  Daphne Moon : You will be!

  [hurls a pillow at him] 

• Martin Crane : [coming home from the church performance]  I hate Christmas, I hate singing, and I'm going to bed.

• Martin Crane : [trying to hit a high note]  O niiiiiiiggggghhhhhht, DEVIIIIIIIINE!

  [tenant below pounds on the ceiling] 

  Martin Crane : Oh shut up!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : I want my gifts to be remembered and cherished long after the holidays.

  Martin Crane : Well you know, nothing is cherished quite so much as the gift of laughter.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : If you want that highway patrol bloopers tape, you'll have to buy it yourself.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, Dad! You're not going to drink that that way, are you?

  Martin Crane : Why?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier opens the cupboard and takes out some spices to enflavor Martin's egg-nog]  My goodness, the first mistake in eggnog preparation is failing to garnish it properly with a dash of nutmeg.

  [Frasier sprinkles some on] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : There we are.

  Martin Crane : Oh!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Martin takes a sip and spits it out in a fit of coughing. Frasier checks the jar]  Of course, the second mistake is placing the paprika next to the nutmeg on the spice shelf.