Frasier (TV Series)
The Crucible (1993)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Photos
Quotes
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Martin : For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."
Frasier : Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!
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[Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]
Frasier : What were you two doing back there?
Niles : Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Frasier : Yeeeess?
Niles : Searched the credenza!
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Frasier : Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
Niles : Nicknames... there were nicknames?
Frasier : Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.
Niles : "Peachfuzz"?
Frasier : Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.
[hands Niles the brick]
Frasier : Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
Niles : I'm proud of you.
[Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal]
Frasier : My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?
Niles : I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!
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[Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him]
Niles : Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
Frasier : Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
Niles : Yes, it is.
Frasier : How?
Niles : Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...
[makes the arm signal for "field goal!"]
Niles : Whatever that means!
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Frasier : Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles : Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
Frasier : I said that?
Niles : Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.
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Frasier : Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.
Martin : Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.
Frasier : Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt, the head of the Junior League, brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse?
Martin : Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."
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Martin Crane : What are you going to do now?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
Martin Crane : Five-five-five three thousand.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them.
[into phone]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin Crane : Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery department.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please... Dad, they're laughing at me.
Martin Crane : Give me the phone.
[Frasier does]
Martin Crane : Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. Yeah, I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Bye.
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Frasier : Ahh, Italia - the rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venizia...
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Frasier : I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?
Phillip Hayson : Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Frasier : What? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?
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Frasier : Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed!