Frasier (TV Series)

The Crucible (1993)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Frasier : God, I hate lawyers.

  Niles : Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

• Frasier : By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.

  Niles : She's on your bed.

  Frasier : My bed?

  Niles : Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

• [Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes] 

  Frasier : What were you two doing back there?

  Niles : Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...

  Frasier : Yeeeess?

  Niles : Searched the credenza!

• Frasier : Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?

  Niles : Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?

  Frasier : Well, the meanest.

  Niles : Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

• [after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats] 

  Daphne Moon : Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?

  Niles : Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.

  Guest : Where should I put this coat?

  Niles : Just throw it on the bed.

• Frasier : Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.

  Niles : Nicknames... there were nicknames?

  Frasier : Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.

  Niles : "Peachfuzz"?

  Frasier : Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.

  [hands Niles the brick] 

  Frasier : Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.

  Niles : I'm proud of you.

  [Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal] 

  Frasier : My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?

  Niles : I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!

• [Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him] 

  Niles : Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.

  Frasier : Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.

  Niles : Yes, it is.

  Frasier : How?

  Niles : Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...

  [makes the arm signal for "field goal!"] 

  Niles : Whatever that means!

• Frasier : Niles, why are you telling me this?

  Niles : Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."

  Frasier : I said that?

  Niles : Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.

• Frasier : Niles! What are you doing now?

  Niles : We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging.