- KAOS Agent: I'm a sportsman. I'll let you pick the way you wanna die.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh. Ok, eh, how about old age?
- Waiter: Never fear, for Allah is with me.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, I wonder if you would ask Allah to bring the drinks over, we'd like to get something going here.
- # 99: Oh Max, the funeral of a double agent is a sad thing.
- Maxwell Smart: Yes, particularly in this case. Johan was working for both KAOS and Control. Now part of him is up there and part of him is down there.
- Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, 99, atrocities, cruelties and brutalities. the thing that we feared for so long has finally come to pass.
- Chief: What's that, Max?
- Maxwell Smart: ACB, the third spy network.
- Maxwell Smart: What is your usual cover anyway?
- Samuels: Would you believe a Jewish song and dance man?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, what can I do for you, Miss, eh...
- Tamara: Tamara.
- Maxwell Smart: Tomorrow? I thought you wanted to talk to me today?
- Tamara: I do. My name is Tamara. I'm a dancer.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, well I'm sorry, we're not hiring any dancers today, Tamara.
- Tamara: Tahday is supposed to go to the club Tonight. To defect, or die.
- Maxwell Smart: And you want me to help you?
- Tamara: Yes, you must come to the club Tonight and save Tahday.
- Maxwell Smart: Alright, I'll come to the club tonight. What time tonight?
- Tamara: Not tonight, today! The name of the club is the club Tonight.
- Samuels: When the chick spots Kubacheck, she'll go into the dance of the seven veils.
- Maxwell Smart: The seven veils, huh?
- Samuels: If Kubacheck sits at table one, she'll take off one veil. If he's at table two she'll take off two veils and so on, through the tables, three, four...
- Samuels, Maxwell Smart: ...five and six.
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, what if he goes to table seven?
- Samuels: The cops come in and close the place down.