Get Smart (TV Series)

Ship of Spies: Part 1 (1966)

Don Adams: Maxwell Smart

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maxwell Smart : [a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass]  Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth.

• Contact Man : [the informer has been mortally wounded]  Drink... please... drink.

  Maxwell Smart : [Max grabs a glass of milk from a table]  Here you are fellow, drink this milk.

  Contact Man : [panting]  Is it regular or skim?

  Maxwell Smart : [Max takes a sip]  It's regular. Go ahead, drink it.

  Contact Man : Strict diet... only drink skim...

• Maxwell Smart : Listen 99, just remember this: a coward is a frightened man who's scared to be brave. But a brave man is only a coward who isn't scared to be frightened.

• Maxwell Smart : [# 44 is hanging outside the porthole to Max' cabbin on the Evening Star]  Nice to see that you're here backing me up. How far out are we?

  Agent 44 : Oh, about twenty miles.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, how can you tell?

  Agent 44 : Well this is my fifth trip, you get so you can recognize the signs.

  [a wave crashes over him] 

  Agent 44 : The temperature of the water, the kind of seagulls, the number of fish around.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, are there fish around?

  Agent 44 : Sure, take a look.

  [scoops over so Max can look out the porthole to see a couple of menacing fins sticking out of the water] 

  Maxwell Smart : Oh yes, I see them. Quite a bit of them, too. What are they?

  Agent 44 : Sharks.

  [Max does a double take] 

  Agent 44 : There's nothing to worry about. There just waiting around for something to eat.

  Maxwell Smart : Like what?

  Agent 44 : Like me.

• Maxwell Smart : You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.

  Chief : What was it like, Max?

  Maxwell Smart : Well it was a kind of a clip-clop clip-clop.

  Chief : Like a man with a special shoe?

  Parker : Or a man walking with a cane?

  Maxwell Smart : Or a man with very loose dentures.

• # 99 : [86 and 99 spot a third person making the same suspicious noise]  He makes that clip-clop noise too.

  Maxwell Smart : Yes. If this keeps up, that clip-clop noise is gonna to make the top of the charts.

• Maxwell Smart : [speaking on his gun-phone]  99, I'm gonna have to hang up now. I may have to fire my phone.

• # 99 : [sticking her head out a porthole]  Maaaaaaaax! Where are you?

  Maxwell Smart : I'm down here, 99!

  # 99 : Where Max?

  Maxwell Smart : In the water!

  # 99 : What do you want me to do, Max?

  Maxwell Smart : Have you got the Control files handy?

  # 99 : They're in my cabin!

  Maxwell Smart : Get them!

  # 99 : [goes inside for a moment]  I've got them!

  Maxwell Smart : Look up my record!

  # 99 : Right here, Max, what do you want to know?

  Maxwell Smart : [struggling to stay afloat]  Did I pass the Control swimming test?

  # 99 : [looks it up]  Noooooooo!

• # 99 : [speaking to Max by Revolver Phone]  What's happening, Max?

  Maxwell Smart : [on the fog-shrouded deck of the ship]  Well, I can see a light.

  # 99 : What is it?

  Maxwell Smart : Well, it must be the bridge. I can just barely make out someone standing up there.

  # 99 : That must be Captain Groman.

  Maxwell Smart : Uh huh. Well, now there's someone standing right next to him.

  # 99 : That must be Captain Groman's Oriental servant.

  Maxwell Smart : So *that's* Groman's Chinese.

• Parker : [describing the layout of the ship Max is due to travel on]  Well, the Evening Star's cargo is divided into two compartments. In this compartment, there are about 900 tons of bananas.

  [his expression becomes serious] 

  Parker : Oh, boy. If this wall in between the bananas and the other compartment ever breaks down, there'll be real trouble.

  Maxwell Smart : Why? What's in the other compartment?

  Parker : 3,000 monkeys.

  Maxwell Smart : 3,000 monkeys?

  [Parker nods] 

  Maxwell Smart : Now, wait a minute, Professor Parker. How many bananas would that be to a monkey?

  Parker : Oh, well, it would depend on how hungry each monkey would be and...

  Maxwell Smart : Well, wouldn't it also depend upon how large the bananas were?

  [Parker nods in agreement] 

  Maxwell Smart : Then if the monkeys...

  Chief : [breaking in]  Gentlemen, forget about the monkeys!

• Parker : [discussing how Max will be contacted]  Possibly with this.

  [He stands, holding out a gun] 

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, well, I certainly hope the message doesn't reach me.

  Parker : Oh, this is no ordinary gun, Smart. This is a very cleverly disguised radio telephone. Here, let me show you.

  [He passes the gun to Max and picks up another one] 

  Parker : What's the number on your handle?

  Maxwell Smart : 652.

  Parker : [breaking open his gun and dialling into the bullet chamber]  Okay. Six... five... two.

  Maxwell Smart : [his gun starts ringing]  Well, what happens now?

  Parker : Break it and talk into the handle.

  Maxwell Smart : [he does so]  Hello?

  Parker : [cheerfully]  Hello!

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, is that you, Parker?

  Parker : Yes, indeed. Is that you, Smart?

  Maxwell Smart : Yes. How have you been?

  Parker : Oh, just fine, just fine, and you?

  Maxwell Smart : Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Certainly is nice talking to you. Listen, Parker, there's a question I'd like to ask you.

  Parker : Shoot.

  Maxwell Smart : Now...

  [he does a double-take about what Parker's just said] 

  Maxwell Smart : Now about the bananas. If each monkey...

  Chief : [who's been watching them with increasing impatience]  Gentlemen, you're doing it again! Let's get on with the briefing!

  Maxwell Smart : [Both Max and Parker look rather put out by the Chief spoiling their fun]  Right, Chief. Parker, there's one thing that bothers me. This makes an awfully loud ring. What if you want to phone someone quietly?

  Parker : Well, use your silencer.