- Blanche Devereaux: I don't think I can stand it much longer. My body feels like a Corvet up on rocks with its engine racin', the wheels just spinnin' and spinnin' with nowhere to go. I feel like I'm gonna explode! Dorothy, you have to help me. You have to do something.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my arm!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Rose, what do you call a girl who's slept with a man she's known for less than one day?
- Blanche Devereaux: A damn good sport?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I call her a tramp.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: How did this happen?
- Michael Zbornak: I didn't plan it, it just kind of happened.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Just kind of happened? Michael, DANDRUFF just kinds of happens, and if you don't know the difference, then I failed as a mother.
- Michael Zbornak: Would you stop beating yourself up? This isn't your fault.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes it is, where did I go wrong with you?
- Michael Zbornak: You did a great job with me.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: If I did a great job with you, you would be graduating medical school right now, not playing doctor with my best friend's daughter!
- Rose Nylund: [Offscreen] Oh, my God!
- [Blanche and Dorothy get up from the table and go into the bedroom where Rose is talking to see what is wrong]
- Bridget Nylund: [Sheepishly; Bridget is in bed with Michael] Hi there.
- Rose Nylund: Oh, girls, don't look!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Michael Zbornak, you get out of that bed *right* now!
- Michael Zbornak: Believe me, Mom, I'd like to, but in light of the fact that my clothes are hanging on the doorknob, I don't think it's such a good idea.
- Rose Nylund: Oh, my God, they're naked!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: People usually are in this situation, Rose.
- Blanche Devereaux: Unless they're all dressed up in costumes.
- [Dorothy gives Blanche a look and Rose winces]
- Blanche Devereaux: Sorry.
- Sophia Petrillo: [Enter Sophia] What's all the commotion?
- [Sees Bridget and Michael in bed]
- Sophia Petrillo: Oh, *boy.*
- Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
- Sophia Petrillo: Please, I'm 80 years old. I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it *looks* like.
- Michael Zbornak: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
- Sophia Petrillo: Please, I'm 81 years old, I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like.
- Blanche Devereaux: I threw my back out in aerobics class, you see...
- Michael Zbornak: You don't have to explain, my mother's told me all about you.
- Blanche Devereaux: I didn't listen to my children, you don't see any of them coming to visit me, do you?
- Sophia Petrillo: [dressed all in black with a veil included] I can't even see my hand in front of my face.
- Blanche Devereaux: Grandma Hollingsworth always said I was a little flighty.
- [a pause]
- Blanche Devereaux: Or was it a little floozy?
- Rose Nylund: Oh honey, I so wanted your first time to be special.
- Bridget Nylund: It was, Mom - four years ago.
- Rose Nylund: Oh, I really don't want to talk about this.
- Bridget Nylund: I want us to talk about this. I want us to have an open, honest relationship. I want to be able to share my deepest, darkest secrets with you.
- Rose Nylund: Couldn't we just wear matching outfits?
- Michael Zbornak: I haven't eaten like this in a long time.
- Sophia Petrillo: Me either, when we're alone she feeds me lumpy oatmeal and black bananas.
- Sophia Petrillo: [to Michael who's in bed with Bridget] You come into our house and act like a common gigolo, you've embarrassed me, your mother, and our friends, not to mention that poor stupid flat chested girl.
- Blanche Devereaux: [to Dorothy and Rose] Talk to your children, tell them how you feel, just make sure it brings you closer together, not farther apart.
- Sophia Petrillo: Who are you, Mr. Spock?
- Rose Nylund: I think you mean Doctor Spock, Sophia.
- Sophia Petrillo: They're both really smart and they both got big ears, who cares?
- Rose Nylund: [after catching their kids in bed] I can't believe it, you know how it is when you just can't believe something?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes, I can't believe Alan Thicke has his own TV series, it doesn't mean it's not true.