The Golden Girls (TV Series)

Mary Has a Little Lamb (1990)

Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dorothy Zbornak : [Sophia enters the kitchen carrying a letter]  Oh, hi, Ma.

  Sophia Petrillo : Listen to this, "If I were truly free, O fire of my loins, I'd take you to a paradise in the sun where we could lie naked, bronze body against pearl body, locked together in a frenzy of love.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Ma, who wrote that?

  Sophia Petrillo : Merrill Kellog.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Merrill Kell... Who's he?

  Sophia Petrillo : Ask Blanche. It's her letter.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [snatches the letter from Sophia]  This is from that guy in prison that Blanche has been writing to.

  Rose Nylund : How are you going to explain this opened letter to Blanche?

  Sophia Petrillo : [taking the letter back from Dorothy]  Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

  Blanche Deveraux : [entering the kitchen]  Good morning girls.

  Sophia Petrillo : Good morning, Blanche. Rose opened your letter

  [hands it to Blanche and leaves] 

  Rose Nylund : Blanche, I didn't!

  Blanche Deveraux : Oh, it's no problem, honey. It's just another one of those letters form Merrill. I would read it to you anyway. They're not personal.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Not personal! The man says he wants to lie naked with you on a beach.

  Blanche Deveraux : Well, sure. And I wrote him I want to make passionate love to him in a hammock suspended between two Magnolia trees. You know that couldn't possibly happen!

  Rose Nylund : Well, maybe if you lose a few pounds.

  Blanche Deveraux : [obviously miffed]  Shut up, Rose.

• Dorothy Zbornak : [the girls' young friend Mary has stopped by to visit]  Tell me, sweetheart. You having fun in high school?

  Mary : Oh, it's okay.

  Blanche Deveraux : Oh, I loved high school! It seems like only yesterday. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances...

  Dorothy Zbornak : Yeah. And don't forget the Hindenburg disaster.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [Sophia enters]  Ma, look who's here.

  Sophia Petrillo : Oh. So, Mary. When's the baby due?

  Dorothy Zbornak : Ma! You're talking to a sixteen year old girl!

  Sophia Petrillo : A knocked up sixteen year old girl!

  [Mary confirms that Sophia is right] 

  Dorothy Zbornak : Ma, how did you know?

  Sophia Petrillo : Because you had the same look of panic on your face when you got pregnant. Kind of like a deer caught in the headlights of a car. I thought only pregnant teen-agers had that expression until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.

• Merrill 'Moose' Kellog : I'm Merrill. Are you Blanche?

  Dorothy Zbornak : No.

  Merrill 'Moose' Kellog : How 'bout you, cutie?

  Sophia Petrillo : Boy, this guy's done hard time!

• Sophia Petrillo : It's a known fact that dogs take on the personality traits of their masters.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Oh, that's ridiculous.

  Sophia Petrillo : Oh yeah? Then why does your brother Phil's poodle like to wear that tutu and hop around on his hind legs?

  Dorothy Zbornak : Oh, come on, Ma, I mean, Phil would look pretty stupid doing that by himself.

• Dorothy Zbornak : [the Girls are discussing natural childbirth classes]  I wish I had known about them when I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do, except scream at Stan never to touch me again and call him every name in the book.

  Rose Nylund : Rough labor?

  Dorothy Zbornak : Rough conception.

• Sophia Petrillo : [Dorothy and Sophia try to get pregnant Mary's father to take her back]  You feel because Mary went out and got herself pregnant that she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. It's someone that gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?

  Dorothy Zbornak : [mortified]  It was a Nash, Ma.

  Sophia Petrillo : Now that's a slut.

• Dorothy Zbornak : What can I say to make you understand?

  Fred : I don't know. Maybe I'm too stupid.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Fine, then maybe there is something I can say. And I want to apologize for this story before I begin. Have you ever heard of a little town called St. Olaf?

  Fred : No.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Perfect. Now, as it was told to me, and I have to admit that I wasn't listening that closely, there was this farmer named Nils Nibelung. And he had a pig named Brunhilde, and she won all the blue ribbons at all the county fairs. Well, Nils also had a daughter named Fricka, and she won red ribbons, usually as runner-up to the pig.

  Fred : Does this story have a point?

  Dorothy Zbornak : You asked that at just the right time. Anyway, one April, Nils decided to breed Brunhilde, that's the pig, not the daughter, and he chose April because that's when pigs are at their most beautiful and desirable. Unfortunately, so was Fricka. So while Brunhilde and the pig were doing their thing, Fricka and the local pig breeder were doing theirs. God, I hope I got the names right! Anyway, when Nils heard about it, he banished Fricka from his house and his life forever.

  Fred : So?

  Dorothy Zbornak : So, after a while, he lost interest in the pig's company and he ate her. And he died St. Olaf's loneliest man.

  Fred : Is that the end of the story?

  Dorothy Zbornak : God, I hope so!

  Fred : I don't get it.

  Dorothy Zbornak : Fred, let me put it this way. She is sixteen, she is scared, and she is carrying your grandchild. Do you really want to abandon her?