- Colonel Klink: [about how he got Hogan out of the cooler] Believe me, for the first time I had to use all my intelligence and craftiness.
- Hogan: Yeah, well, I got out anyway.
- Colonel Klink: A record of everything we purchased for our little hotel here, also supplies...
- Major Strauss: Ja, spent a great deal of money on food I see.
- Colonel Klink: Oh, yes, quite a bit. We are STALAG 13, Major. We do not believe in starvation.
- Major Strauss: Oh, so I see.
- [looks at Schultz]
- Sgt. Schultz: I'm on a diet, Major.
- Colonel Klink: Oh, yes. Sergeant Schultz eats only three meals a day like all the rest of the men.
- Sgt. Schultz: But every meal seems to go right into the next meal. If you know what I mean... sir.
- Major Strauss: [after examing Klink's records] Very neat. Very efficient.
- Colonel Klink: Now, Major, you have arrived here with a fully armed commando, you inspected the books, you asked questions. What is it you want?
- Major Strauss: Herr Colonel, it's not a question of what I want, it's what I've got.
- Colonel Klink: What have you got?
- Major Strauss: Call the senior prisoner officer in here; this concerns him as well.
- Colonel Klink: Call in Colonel Hogan.
- Sgt. Schultz: Jawol, Herr Kommandant. Colonel Hogan, come in.
- [opens the door and Hogan walks inside]
- Colonel Klink: Colonel Hogan, Major Strauss, Gestapo.
- Hogan: Major.
- Major Strauss: Colonel Hogan.
- Colonel Klink: Major Strauss has something to say that concerns all of us.
- Hogan: Are you surrendering to me? Should've worn my dress blues.
- Colonel Klink: Insolence!
- Major Strauss: I'm sure that we can change the Colonel's attitude.
- Colonel Klink: We?
- Major Strauss: Yes. From today on, the Gestapo will take over Stalag 13. Prisoners, equipment, and bookkeeping. You and your Sergeant will stay on for a few weeks as advisors. And all Luftwaffe personnel will be transferred. Reassigned.
- Sgt. Schultz: Reassigned? Where?
- Hogan: Let me give you a hint. It's big, cold, east of here, and there are a lot of people named Ivan shooting at you all the time.
- Colonel Klink: Major Strauss, where are your orders, huh? And by whose authority?
- Major Strauss: General Muller, Gestapo.
- Colonel Klink: We'll see about this.
- [picks up the phone]
- Colonel Klink: Fraulein Hilda, get me General Burkhalter in Berlin, priority call.
- [takes the phone away from his ear and turns back to Major Strauss]
- Colonel Klink: Besides being head of the Stalag Administration, he also happens to be a personal friend of mine.
- Major Strauss: I'm impressed.
- Colonel Klink: [talks into the phone] Oh, General Burkhalter, Colonel Klink speaking. Hi Hitler. There's a Major Strauss here attempting to takeover Stalag 13. His men are in the compound, he's been going through our records, and Major Strauss... Yes, Gestapo.
- [line clicks]
- Colonel Klink: Hello? Hello?
- [hangs up the phone]
- Colonel Klink: How could a man talk to me for three minutes and say "wrong number"?
- Hogan: There's nothing like a personal friend when you need one.