Jack of All Trades (TV Series)

The People's Dragoon (2000)

Bruce Campbell: Jack Stiles, Daring Dragoon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : Oh, I dropped my napkin.

  Jack Stiles : Chivalry is dead. Get it yourself.

  Captain Brogard : If Monsieur Stiles were my attaché, I would string him up by his ooh-la-las as a warning to all insolents wherever they may hide.

  Jack Stiles : Take your head out and stay awhile Le Pew. Looks like you could use the air.

• Jack Stiles : You're imagining things, and I would know. I took a bullet for Washington when he was crossing the Delaware. I cut the string on Franklin's kite to keep him from frying his fat ass, and you wanna know why? 'Cause I smell danger wherever it wafts.

• Governor Croque : Execute her at once.

  Jack Stiles : Wait, it's alright. No harm done.

  Captain Brogard : What is the meaning of this?

  Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : A test.

  Governor Croque : A test?

  Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : A test... of your security system. Right, Jack?

  Jack Stiles : That's right. We were just trying to expose your soft spots.

  [looking at Brogard] 

  Jack Stiles : And I think we've found the weak link.

  Captain Brogard : I detect an insulting implication in your statement, monsieur.

  Jack Stiles : I'm sorry. What I meant was, "You're a moron".

• Jean-Claude : Jacques, have you forgotten why you were sent here?

  Jack Stiles : Who wants to know?

  Jean-Claude : Well, who do you think? I bear an urgent communiqué from President Jefferson. Squawk. You must find the stolen gold shipment and send it back to America.

  Jack Stiles : What does he think I'm doing here?

  Jean-Claude : Oh, I cannot say in front of the lady. Squawk.

  Jack Stiles : Ha ha ha. You must think we're the suckers of the spy world, pal. Why would we take phony orders from a French carrier... parrot?

  Jean-Claude : Squawk. Because you are not the only ones undercover, monsieur. Vive la resistance!

  [flies away] 

  Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : That is the most loquacious fowl I've ever encountered.

• Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : Jack, the way you handled that little girl was... well, very touching. Seems that just when I have you figured out, you surprise me.

  Jack Stiles : Ha ha, are you kidding? A man will say anything to keep a woman from crying. It's like nails on a chalkboard.

  [Em swats him] 

  Jack Stiles : Hey, you don't like the answers, don't ask the question.

  Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : You told that little girl we'd think of something, and we just did. We're stealing the gold back from Croque, alright, but we're going to use it to pay off the people's taxes.

• Captain Brogard : [he and the Dragoon with sword points at each others throats]  In chess, this is what we call a stalemate.

  Daring Dragoon : Yeah, in Parcheesi this is what *we* call a... come to think of it, there's no such thing as a tie in Parcheesi.

  Captain Brogard : What does that have to do with anything?

  Daring Dragoon : Well, *you* brought up the games. I'm just making conversation.

  Captain Brogard : Then I have a proposition for you. Let us agree to live one more day.

  Daring Dragoon : Fine by me. Oh, captain, don't look now, but your barn door's open and your cows are getting out.

  [Brogard looks down, the Dragoon vanishes with an evil laugh] 

• [last lines] 

  Jack Stiles : Well, you know how the shipping business is, you always lose ten percent in transit. You can't keep track of every little dollar. You don't have to say it, I know I'm wonderful.

  Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : Seems you do have a moral compass after all, Mr. Stiles. You may not always follow it, but it's there.

  Jack Stiles : Well, let's just let that be our little secret, eh?

  Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild : Incidentally, ten percent of the gold should be *more* than enough to free Annie's parents from jail.

  Jack Stiles : If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, let me tell you just how wrong you are... over dinner, and I'm buying.