Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

Requiem for a Third Grade Ashtray (2004)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Quotes 

• Joan : Are you there, God? It's me, Joan... and you suck!

• Joan : Dinner's ready!

  Kevin Girardi : Meat loaf again?

  Joan : Shut up. This time, you're eating it.

  Kevin Girardi : Seriously, I just had a burrito around 4:00. I'm still in a coma.

  Will Girardi : Kevin, you're a Girardi. Eat.

• Joan : I think I failed my chemistry exam.

  Helen Girardi : Aw. That's too bad.

  Joan : That's all you're gonna say?

  Helen Girardi : Well, one of the nice things about you getting older is that you're getting better at punishing yourself.

• Helen Girardi : One of the reasons that I have been so cranky lately is that I haven't been getting any sleep. I-I'm just so terrified about teaching, I just keep going over and over what I'm gonna say 'till 3:00 in the morning.

  Joan : I always thought once you were an adult, you just sort of... wake up with all the answers.

  Helen Girardi : Yeah, that would be nice. There's hardly ever any answers. Just... more questions.

• Joan : Do you ever show up when I actually need help?

  Goth Kid God : You don't need me. You're doing great.

  Joan : Oh, okay, and so you're here to, what, show me your new nose ring?

  Goth Kid God : I want you to pick some Cream of Wheat on your way home.

  Joan : Cream of what?

  Goth Kid God : Cream of Wheat. It's got a lot of iron, and Luke needs it.

  Joan : No, no, you don't understand. I'm done. Luke gets to put on his space suit, mom got to her meeting, crisis averted. Have a pleasant day.

  [turning to leave, she stops] 

  Joan : You're not gonna stop me?

  Goth Kid God : It's your choice to walk away. I just think it's interesting that of all the tasks I've given you, buying Cream of Wheat is the one you're abandoning.

  Joan : Because it's endless! It's black hole of never-ending worries and responsibilities.

  Goth Kid God : It's called growing up.

  Joan : Well, what if I don't want to?

  Goth Kid God : In the brief time we've been talking here, thousands of cells in your body have died and renewed themselves. You're changing all the time. It's how you know you're alive.

  Joan : It just seems so scary. And now here's the part where you reassure me...

  Goth Kid God : It is scary.

  [opening her backpack and taking out her turtle ashtray] 

  Goth Kid God : Fortunately... you're not alone.

• Cashier God : You forgot the milk.

  Joan : Oh, no, thanks. I don't need any.

  Cashier God : You're almost out at home.

  Joan : Uh, okay. Either that's you or you're a really pushy cashier.

  Cashier God : It's up to you.

  Joan : Yeah. It's definitely you.

• Joan : Hey, my turtle ashtray.

  Helen Girardi : Oh, I meant to ask you. Do you mind if I use some of this stuff for a class project?

  Joan : What do you mean "use"?

  Helen Girardi : Well, I need stuff that I can sort of break up and use the pieces.

  Joan : You want to smash my turtle ashtray?

  Helen Girardi : Honey, you made a lot of ashtrays, and this one has a broken head.

  Joan : [protectively]  You can't smash Archie.

• Will Girardi : All right, I'm making breakfast. Who's up for French toast?

  Helen Girardi : We don't have any milk.

  Joan : I got some last night.

  [seeing their looks of surprise] 

  Joan : What?

  Will Girardi : Oh, well, nothing. It's just a little surprising, you getting milk.

  Joan : It's not like it's a miracle.

  Helen Girardi : Kind of.

• Joan : Something's wrong with Luke. He's all shivery and gross.

  Will Girardi : Oh, boy. Does he have a fever?

  Joan : I don't know. I'm not touching him.

• Joan : You know, for someone who's almighty, you're very passive-aggressive.