- Joan Girardi: [reading a flyer at school] "In light of the tragic death of Judith Montgomery, grief counseling will be offered to all students by Stuart Dingle, MSW. And don't forget Friday is Spirit Day. Wear blue. Support the Eagles"? How lame is this?
- Grace Polk: Yeah. Like eagles are ever blue.
- Joan Girardi: I mean, grief counseling?
- Adam Rove: The school has to do it.
- Grace Polk: They're covering their asses in a litigious society. Someone could freak out and sue the school.
- Joan Girardi: Oh, and Dingle's gonna calm them down? That comb-over alone could trigger a mass suicide.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: [posting grief counseling flyers] Someone keeps ripping these down.
- Joan Girardi: Oh, snippy God. Well, I don't need to go whine.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: Other people might.
- Joan Girardi: Maybe you should have a question-and-answer session. Ask the Almighty. I'd show up for that one.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: You wanna know why she died, why it had to be Judith.
- Joan Girardi: Uh, yeah. You wanted me to live in the present, but you know what? Here in the present, Judith's death is with me all the time.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: [looking at Grace's bat mitzvah invitation] I wish you could have seen the baby picture, Joan. Adorable! She had these little chubby cheeks.
- Joan Girardi: Could we focus?
- Officious Hall Monitor God: I'm always focused. Grace seems a little scattered, though. You should help her get through this.
- Joan Girardi: It... it's a Jewish thing, okay? I'm not really the point person for Jewish.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: Help her, Joan.
- Joan Girardi: [watching her leave] Hey! What... what about Judith?
- Joan Girardi: Hey, Grace, um... if you want any help with your mitzvah thing...
- Grace Polk: [groaning in frustration] Ugh! No! Just stay out of my face. It's enough of a nightmare as it is.
- Luke Girardi: So, what can I do?
- Grace Polk: Hmm?
- Luke Girardi: For your bat mitzvah.
- Grace Polk: Nothing. I... I just want it to come and go quickly, like Hoobastank.
- Joan Girardi: Is something wrong?
- Grace Polk: Yeah! You... you all wanna help. You think I can't get through this because of the blatant materialism of post-industrial society, which has totally corrupted the bat mitzvah experience beyond redemption.
- Joan Girardi: It seems like you might have a few issues...
- Grace Polk: I'm cool!
- Joan Girardi: Cool.
- Grace Polk: Cool.
- Joan Girardi: Do I need to say "cool" again, or are we finished?
- Grace Polk: No, we're finished.
- Joan Girardi: Cool. So what are you wearing?
- Grace Polk: A dress.
- Joan Girardi: [fighting the urge to laugh] You're... wearing a dress?
- Grace Polk: Oh, nice smirk. Thanks for the help.
- Joan Girardi: I wasn't smirking.
- [stifling her laughter]
- Joan Girardi: I was... I had to sneeze.
- Joan Girardi: Grace! Shalom! I've just been reading about bat mitzvahs! You must be so stoked.
- Grace Polk: [sarcastic] Yeah, I'm tingling.
- The Other Sammy: Is anyone gonna buy anything?
- Grace Polk: That was rhetorical, right?
- Grace Polk: The whole concept of a dress is a sexist symbol of thousands of years of reducing women to fetish objects.
- Joan Girardi: This would look so hot on you!
- Grace Polk: Have you been listening at all?
- Joan Girardi: Yeah, yeah. Angry, angry, angry, society, angry, angry, politics.
- Grace Polk: The Jews have survived 5,000 years of persecution, but we're finally gonna get finished off by the Girardis.
- Friedman: [Luke can't decide on a bat mitzvah present for Grace] Consider the candlestick, a popular Shabbat favorite.
- Kevin Girardi: Shabbat?
- Friedman: Lighting of the candles, Friday night...
- Kevin Girardi: She doesn't do that.
- Friedman: Then she can use it to kill Colonel Mustard in the library.
- Joan Girardi: Huh. Can't the Almighty Creator take a break? Come on. Who's gonna yell at you?
- Officious Hall Monitor God: What could I say? Lots to do, lots to do.
- Joan Girardi: I so helped Grace out with her dress. She was gonna wear this seriously nasty green that was totally wrong for her skin tone. I am all over this bat mitzvah thing.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: [holding up a styrofoam cup] You know plutonium decomposes quicker than these? Sometimes I think all I do is ask humanity to clean up its room.
- Joan Girardi: Shouldn't God listen?
- Officious Hall Monitor God: I multitask. If I didn't, well... you wouldn't wanna know.
- Joan Girardi: You know, I knew nothing about Judaism before. I don't think I could ever learn Hebrew, especially not while I'm taking French.
- Officious Hall Monitor God: Try being Hindu and learning Sanskrit.
- Joan Girardi: Why did you make so many religions, anyway? I mean, wouldn't it be easier if everybody just had the same one?
- Officious Hall Monitor God: Well, there's so many different people. They all need a different way of relating to me. And that's what religions are, different ways to share the same truth.
- Joan Girardi: And the truth is...?
- [God leaves without answering]
- Joan Girardi: Come on, I helped Grace. Cut me some slack! Just one answer!
- Joan Girardi: I have been calling Grace nonstop. She won't talk to me.
- Big Tough Guy God: Mm. Must make it hard to figure out what the problem is, huh?
- Joan Girardi: Yeah. You could help.
- Big Tough Guy God: Still after the answers?
- Joan Girardi: Uh, yeah.
- Big Tough Guy God: What really broke my heart in "Wuthering Heights" is that Catherine destroyed her love for Heathcliff by hiding her feelings. That killed me.
- Joan Girardi: And this pertains to Grace's bat mitzvah how?
- Big Tough Guy God: [finding "Sense and Sensibility"] Ah! There it is. Mm. Pretty cover, huh?
- [leaving]
- Big Tough Guy God: Don't give up on her, Joan.
- Friedman: We could go Kama Sutra. You said you wanted personal. If that's not personal, I don't know what is.
- Kevin Girardi: Friedman, this is a religious event! It should have deeper meaning than...
- [seeing an illustration inside]
- Kevin Girardi: Remarkably limber.
- Grace Polk: You better tell the truth, or I'll cancel again.
- Joan Girardi: I told you, I will.
- Grace Polk: If I hear the word "adorable", I will go postal.
- Joan Girardi: Okay. Getting bored and crabby out here.
- Rabbi Polonski: My little girl in high heels?
- Grace Polk: Cry on the dress, dad, and they become lethal weapons.
- Female Guest God: You did a nice job, Joanie.
- Joan Girardi: God shouldn't pinch cheeks. It never makes the world better.
- Female Guest God: [offering a morsel of food] Rugelach?
- Joan Girardi: No, thank you. I only eat what I can spell.
- Joan Girardi: So, questions? That's... that's it? It's about questions?
- Female Guest God: That's it.
- Joan Girardi: Okay. Then I have one. Judith; why did she have to die?
- Female Guest God: What if she never lived at all?
- Joan Girardi: What if I had done things differently? What if I could have saved her?
- Female Guest God: What if knowing you gave her days she thought she'd never have?
- Joan Girardi: No! No, I want answers. People need answers. Don't you see how much I miss her?
- Female Guest God: Can't you still feel her? See, it's not about answers. It's about asking the right questions, Joanie.