- Nina Van Horn: You may think this is sappy and old-fashioned, but you know where I met your dad? At an orgy.
- Jack Gallo: Well, Dennis, that was the last time I went to the bathroom as the boss.
- Dennis Finch: Ooh, I'll call the Smithsonian.
- Jack Gallo: Sarcasm I won't miss so much.
- Kevin Liotta: You want to hear a funny story? I once ran into your dad at the park.
- Maya Gallo: You did? What happened?
- Kevin Liotta: I told you, I ran into him at the park. Wow, with her in charge, this place is gonna go down the tubes.
- Maya Gallo: Why is this girl in her underwear?
- Dennis Finch: Oh, we hired her. She's going to jump out of a giant cake.
- Maya Gallo: I don't see a giant cake.
- Dennis Finch: It's at my apartment.
- Maya Gallo: This is so out of the blue. What do you think brought this on?
- Nina Van Horn: Wait, I have it. Jack is having sexual problems. Men always freak out and quit their jobs whenever their Peter stops piping.
- Elliot DiMauro: They do not! I mean, I assume they don't. I mean, how would I know?
- Maya Gallo: Finch, if you're trying to suck up to me because I'm the editor now, it's not quite working.
- Dennis Finch: course it's not. It took years to learn to suck up to Jack. Sure, I'll prance around in your underpants to stretch them out, but it won't be the same.
- Maya Gallo: First of all, I would never, ever ask you to do that.
- Dennis Finch: That was the thing about Jack. You didn't have to ask.
- Nina Van Horn: When I needed a job, you were there. When I needed a friend, you were there. When I needed a kidney, you were there.
- Dennis Finch: Excuse me, I believe that was my kidney?
- Nina Van Horn: But Jack made you give it, and that's what was so sweet.
- Maya Gallo: Seven years ago, you asked me to help you become a better father to Hannah, but in typical Jack Gallo fashion, you pulled a fast one... when I wasn't looking, you became a real father to me.
- Dennis Finch: Jack, what can I say? You the man, so I decided to lay down some mad rhymes.
- Maya Gallo: Aw, you wrote him a poem. That's so sweet.
- Dennis Finch: It's not a poem, it's a hard-core, def-jam gangsta rap. I haven't had time to lay down the beats, so you'll have imagine the chains and the bling-bling and the Escalade. Here goes: There's a guy named Jack Gallo / Is he shallow? No / He just gots to go / Now he's flying solo... again, you have to imagine the boom-boom and the bitches and the rest. All the while / he made me smile like Gomer Pyle / I look up to him like Fay Wray looked up to King Kong / Like the Chinese to ping-pong / Slap it on da bing-bong.
- Jack Gallo: Thank you, Dennis. I'm sure that meant a lot.
- Maya Gallo: That was awkward.
- Kevin Liotta: Here I come.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, no.
- Kevin Liotta: [comes skipping in a sailor suit and holding a prop lollipop] On the Good Ship Lollipop / It's a quick trip to a candy shop... Wait, where's Mr. Gallo? Finch, if this is a practical joke, I will literally rip your head off!
- Nina Van Horn: But what about the party?
- Jack Gallo: There isn't going to be a party.
- Nina Van Horn: Tell that to the brownie I ate five minutes ago.