- Carrie Heffernan: These researchers, they kept a male monkey alone for so long, that when they finally stuck a female in with him, he threw feces at her and he humped a eucalyptus tree.
- [Doug advances, leering]
- Carrie Heffernan: That turns you on?
- Doug Heffernan: A little bit, yeah.
- Carrie Heffernan: Don't you think Spence needs a date?
- Doug Heffernan: No. He's got a very nice routine: work, dinner with his mom, Babylon 5, then sleep. Why screw around with it?
- Carrie Heffernan: Jenny, did I tell you Spence sells tokens on the subway?
- Doug Heffernan: [sotto voce] That's the way to impress her.
- Spence Olchin: [following allergic reaction] I must look great.
- Jenny: Actually, you're kind of cute when you're not convulsing.
- Spence Olchin: That's almost half the time.
- Doug Heffernan: Would you rather have your big toe amputated or make out with Larry King for 15 minutes?
- Richie Iannucci: We lyin' down or standin' up?
- Doug Heffernan: You're leaning against a car.
- Richie Iannucci: Argh, it's right down the line!